Average People Need Not Apply

The University of Type-A Overachievers in College Town, USA invites applications for a position as Assistant Professor in English, to begin August 2011. A PhD is required, so hurry up and finish your dissertation because otherwise we won't even call you, you SLACKER you. The successful candidate will specialize in Renaissance Literature, although you will be required to teach mainly freshman composition classes, because the veterans don't want to teach those and you should consider yourself lucky to get to grade eighty papers a week. The successful candidate will also have a long record of publications, with books that would make scholars like Homi Bhabha and Judith Butler lament, "I'll NEVER write anything as good as this!"

Party School in College Town, USA invites applications for a tenure-track position in English, to begin August 2011. A PhD is preferred, but as long as you know how to proofread and don't fail too many sudents, that would be okay too. The successful candidate will call students to remind them to come to class and make classes entertaining so that students will have fun and maybe learn something.

The College of High Expectations in Big City, USA is hiring instructors in the English department to teach a minimum of four classes each semester. But we would really prefer that you teach five classes a semester, because you don't really need to waste time SLEEPING, do you? Please send your curriculum vitae, transcripts (and you BETTER have straight A's), and three letters of recommendation from professors who are so impressed with your scholarly work and teaching that they would give you awards and write songs about you if they could.

A few weeks ago, my blogger friend Lisa Maliga, who writes the blogs Notes from Nadir and Leaving Nadir, wrote an amusing post titled "I Am Sane" about the housing ads she saw on Craigslist when she was looking for a new place to live. It made me think about the job ads I've been seeing as I search for a full-time teaching job. Obviously, I made those ads up, but they're not entirely far from the truth of what many schools expect from teachers.

Reading these ads made me feel a sense of inadequacy about my own situation. Most of the good teaching jobs require applicants to have already completed their Ph.D.s. But even though I've completed my course work and passed my preliminary exams, I won't be finished with my dissertation by August. I'm a Ph.D. candidate, but I'm what's called an ABD (all but dissertation). The problem is, even if I was lucky enough to find a full-time teaching job, the fact that it's full-time would make it even more difficult for me to complete my dissertation.

But I'm facing pressure from my family to find a full-time teaching job, since I'm almost thirty and am still working multiple jobs just to pay the rent. People my age who already have successful careers would probably take one look at my paycheck and either fall down laughing or look at me with pity and offer to buy me lunch.

There are smaller colleges and community colleges that offer tenure-track positions that people who haven't completed their Ph.D.s yet can apply for, but the thing about tenure is that means you're making a commitment to that school.

There's nothing wrong with smaller colleges or comunity colleges, because there are plenty of good ones out there. But right now I'm just looking for a full-time job to tide me over until I complete my degree. Maybe I will end up at one of the smaller schools, but I'd like to at least take a shot at a prestigious school.

It's also hard because a lot of the schools require recommendation letters. I could ask the professors on my dissertation committee to write letters for me, but they're familiar with my scholarly work (which still needs improvement), not my teaching. And anyway, my professors would probably not approve of my current job search (though they might understand my reasoning). They would urge me to finish school first before I get a full-time job.

So it's hard. I'm not sure what's going to happen next year. I've sent out a few applications, but I'm not sure if it would actually be a good idea for me to get a full-time job next year. I don't want to be an eternal student, but at the same time I've already spent too many years focusing more on teaching than on my graduate work. And a professor has to be both a teacher and a scholar, and I don't feel that I've proven myself as a scholar yet.