Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Lost Writing

Up until recently, I hadn't written any fiction in months, due to the demands of my full-time job and part-time job. I missed writing, even more than the time that I tried going without caffeine for months and kept having to resist the urge to chase after Coca-Cola trucks with my arms outstretched.

When I finally sat down to work on one of my long-neglected manuscripts, I realized that I couldn't find one of my notebooks. Whenever I write the first draft of a story, I always write it longhand in a notebook and then type it on my laptop when I'm revising it. It had been so long since I'd written anything that I couldn't even remember where I'd put the notebook, which held several weeks' worth of writing and was the only copy.

I reacted the same way that Marion Crane did in that shower scene in Psycho, or the way that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian probably react when the cameras turn away from them. I frantically tore apart my apartment looking for it, and I worried that maybe I'd left it behind in a coffee shop a long time ago. I'd accidentally left my journal in a cafe a few years ago; when I went back to get it, the baristas returned it to me, but exchanged knowing looks and giggles. 

Finally, I found it in the back of my small filing cabinet, underneath a stack of students' papers and printouts of scholarly articles for my research. If this were a movie, that would have been the moment when a choir would have sung "Hallelujah."

When I finally sat down to write, it felt like coming home. I felt soothed as I wrote, in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time. It was good to be in the company of my characters again and to step back into the world I created. They say that home is where your heart is, and my heart is in my writing, in a way that it isn't in the comments I write on students' papers or my notes for my academic research (but that may be because the latter often makes me react the same way that Marion Crane did when Norman Bates confronted her). 

I'll never be the kind of person who writes every day, because that just isn't possible with my work schedule. I have to work more hours at my part-time job this year, due to the costs associated with my car troubles and my increased rent. I also have to save money for the next time I move, which might be at the end of the school year. Since I'd like to leave Small Town eventually and move on to another school, I have to apply for teaching jobs for next year (most of the deadlines are in the early fall), which is very time-consuming. So is my academic research, which might as well be placed in the category "Things That Make You Go ZZZZZZ". 

But recently I found out that one of my former students self-published a book that she'd written. I did a Google search of some of my former grad school classmates, and I saw their impressive list of publications in fiction and creative nonfiction, as well as the awards they'd won for their writing. When I go to bookstores, I marvel at all the writers who somehow made the time to write regularly and put their work out there. 

It made me feel guilty that all I have are unfinished manuscripts that I started years ago and a stack of rejection letters. But at the same time, those things motivated me to start writing again, especially so I can regain that peaceful, soothing feeling that I get whenever I put things down on paper. 

What about you? Have you ever lost writing before? How did you deal with it? Have you ever had to take a hiatus from writing before?

11 comments:

  1. I love it--how writing smoothed you out. It does the same for me, and then like an addict, I get cranky and frustrated when I can't get back to it. Dangerous times.

    I have lost writing before--the epic beginning to a story that's still in my brain. I was so SO angry. Frustrated. Depressed. Because I could never get it back. Unless I rewrote it. And who has time to do that? ;)

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    1. Hi Crystal,
      Oh, I can imagine why you felt frustrated! Losing writing is often more significant than losing a material possession like a computer or a piece of furniture, because those things can be replaced more easily.
      I definitely felt frustrated this past year because I didn't have time to write; I always felt like I was missing out.

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    2. But you're back to it, so no more reason to be frustrated! (Or as I wanted to type, "flustrated.")

      Truthfully, if I rewrote the beginning to that story, it would probably still be awesome, but it came off the tail end of a dream the emotion was there. There's nothing like writing in the moment, eh?

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  2. I feel like I'm taking a hiatus now, but it's easy to let teaching and students take over our lives. I know that during the school year, it's hard for me to focus on writing and think about anything outside of my classes and grading.

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    1. Hi Charly,
      I know, right? Grading in particular is very time-consuming, especially because some students often keep asking if their work has been graded yet. Sometimes it's hard to find energy to write fiction after spending several hours grading.

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  3. Whoop Whoop! I'm so glad you wrote, even if it was just for a little while. I'm glad you felt so good about it.

    Definitely don't compare yourself to other writers. Trust me, that's the quickest way to drive yourself crazy. I've been there.

    I threw away my first short stories when I headed off to college and it still haunts me to this day.

    But write when you can. Every bit adds up. You have so many jobs, I honestly don't know how you are so sane:) I would have lost my mind a long time ago. It just shows how amazing you are.

    Wishing you well with the new job applications. May you find one that makes you happy.

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    1. Hi Murees,
      I lost my first short stories too, the ones I wrote when I was a kid; I still wish that I'd kept them.
      And thanks for the encouragement! I have a feeling that the job applications are going to be very time-consuming, but hopefully it'll be worth it in the end. My dream is to one day find a job that pays enough to live on so that I don't have to work a second (or third) job and can still have time left over to write.

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  4. I start out in notebooks too. I have so many still waiting to be typed up. And yet, as if I needed more, every time I see new notebooks in a bookshop, I drool...

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    1. Hi Deniz,
      I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond. I've only been blogging sporadically lately.
      I like looking at new notebooks in bookstores too. I like the Moleskine journals best, but I always like looking through the other ones too, just in case.

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  5. So glad you found that notebook, my heart skipped a beat just imagining it! I don't write every day either - a lot of the time it's because I'm the world's worst procrastinator, I don't even have your good excuse!

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      I think I'd be even more of a workaholic if I didn't procrastinate so much. I was definitely freaking out when I couldn't find that notebook, because I kept thinking about how I'd never get those pages back. Not to mention it had been a while since I'd read them, so I couldn't remember anything. I definitely keep the notebook in a safer place now.

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