Monday, March 14, 2016

The Gift That Keeps On Giving Me Heartburn

Now that I'm making friends and socializing more in Small Town, it's nice to interact with people and say something other than "Get OUT of my parking space, FREAK SHOW!" (to my neighbors) or "Put your cell phones DOWN!" (to my students).

One thing about socializing, though, is that it can be expensive. Recently I was invited to a birthday party at the only fancy restaurant in Small Town. The birthday girl said that we didn't have to get her anything, but I knew that several other people would bring gifts. I didn't want to be the only person who showed up without a birthday gift. Not to mention I didn't have enough money for a meal at a fancy restaurant, especially considering how most of my meals consist of pasta, peanut butter sandwiches, or toast and scrambled eggs.

Due to the debt I accumulated from my move to Small Town, as well as student loans, car payments, rent, and other expenses, I just don't have enough money for an active social life sometimes. I know that you can't put a price on friendship, but you can put a price on gifts for those friends, like gifts for birthdays, weddings, baby showers, housewarming parties, etc., etc.

I don't tell this to Small Town Guy and his friends, because they've all been so nice and welcoming to me. But they all make a lot more money than I do, so I think it might be harder for them to relate to the fact that I can't afford a ticket to a play in the nearby big city that they want to go to, or a shopping spree at a mall in one of the other big cities (the closest thing that Small Town has to a mall is Walmart).

I could try giving them homemade gifts. But although I've gotten a little better at cooking, it's still difficult for me to bake anything without cringing immediately after I taste it. I can't sew or knit without accidentally poking myself (usually in the eye) with the needle.

It reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie Bradshaw had to spend a bunch of money on gifts for her married friends, but lamented over the fact that single people like her rarely received gifts for their own special occasions (the fact that they were single apparently meant they had fewer occasions to celebrate).

But here are a few of MY ideas for special occasions that single people like me would like presents for (I know it'll never happen, but still, it'd be nice):

A gift for all the times my mother tells me about all the women younger than me who are already married with children, and then she calls me a spinster or an old maid (one of the times she did this was when she called me on my thirtieth birthday).

A gift for all the bad dates I've been on, like the one with the guy who waited a month to call me after our first (and only) date, and then he got mad and insulted me when I made it clear that I was no longer interested.

A gift for all the hours I spent poring over online dating profiles, only to dismiss more than half of them because the guys my age made it clear in their profiles that they only wanted to date women who were at least ten (or fifteen) years younger.

A gift for all the messages on online dating sites that I received from guys who were twenty (or thirty, or, in one case, forty) years older than me.

A gift for all the times I had to tell my parents' friends that yes, I'm still single; no, I don't have a boyfriend right now; NO, I'm not a lesbian. (I WISH I was making that last one up.)

A gift for the time I sat next to a couple in a coffee shop who kept making out and calling each other cutesy names, and I resisted the urge to eat the croissants they were neglecting and/or throw those croissants at them.

It would be nice if single people got their own special day to celebrate being single, similar to how couples have Valentine's Day and anniversaries to celebrate their relationships. But we're not supposed to celebrate our single status; we're supposed to keep looking for love, or else be accused of being old maids or lesbians (as if there's something wrong with being either, which there isn't).

Oh, well. Either way, I am grateful to the people who have extended their offers of friendship to me, even if I have to occasionally decline their invitations to hang out. It's just too bad that I can't give a peanut butter sandwich as a gift.

What about you? Are there any occasions in your life that you wish you could get presents for? How do you deal with the costs of socializing?

20 comments:

  1. Maybe that's why I don't socialize. I don't have the money! Haha! :P I'm with you on the single-person gifts. I've been giving a lot of gifts to my brother and his wife who were married two years ago, had a baby last year, baptized the baby this year, and my brother celebratedo a birthday the week before the baby's baptism. So many gifts!

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  2. Maybe that's why I don't socialize. I don't have the money! Haha! :P I'm with you on the single-person gifts. I've been giving a lot of gifts to my brother and his wife who were married two years ago, had a baby last year, baptized the baby this year, and my brother celebratedo a birthday the week before the baby's baptism. So many gifts!

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    1. Hi Chrys,
      That is definitely a lot of gifts! What's also difficult, in addition to the costs, is figuring out what kinds of gifts to give them; that's why I appreciate registries, even though I can't always afford what's on them.

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  3. Seriously, socializing costs too much. And I think those things you listed definitely deserve gifts, lol! I don't even want gifts when I get married (I'm more or less eloping), but I wouldn't say no to cash...

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    1. Hi Sarah,
      Cash is always a useful gift. :) I think if I had received a gift for any of those occasions, it would have made them a little easier to deal with.

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  4. I think real friends would understand if you couldn't afford to go out all the time. I know I can't. Also, I'm not good with people, so maybe you should just ignore whatever I say. I'm a single girl too and am not looking forward to that changing anytime soon. I love my freedom. Sorry you're feeling down about it all. Hang in there.

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    1. Hi Murees,
      I'm sure you're better with people than you think, and I value what you have to say. The people I socialize with in Small Town have been pretty understanding when I decline invitations, though I haven't really given them the financial details to explain why.

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  5. I'm not very social and cringe when I have to get gifts for others - I'm a cheap ass. I haven't always been this way. I blame it on adulthood. As a married gal, I hardly ever have occasions to celebrate. We both hate Valentine's Day, keep our anniversaries and bdays low-key (as in, just the two of us), and aren't planning on kids. I'm sure we're the exception, not the norm but just know that we exist. Also, I find it disturbing that you get such comments about being single. Don't let them get you down. Relationships aren't easy, and many people find themselves lonely while attached. And divorce is so common these days. The grass is always greener. I often think about the things I could have done with my life if I never got married - missed opportunities that I'll never get back.

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    1. Hi nomdeplume,
      Unfortunately, my parents and their friends can be a little too direct, especially when it comes to my single status. But if I let them control me, I would have dated or even married someone they liked (not necessarily someone I liked) a long time ago.
      You're right about how the grass always seems greener on the other side; it's always tempting to think what might have been. It'd be easier if we had some kind of crystal ball that let us know exactly what would have happened if we had chosen different paths.

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  6. What if it was a really special peanut butter sandwich?

    I would prefer to forget the whole gift giving thing entirely. I think a card can mean a lot more, if chosen correctly. I would love to see your designs for 'No, I'm not a lesbian' cards :-)

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      Hmm, good idea! I could design my own greeting cards specifically for single people. :)
      When I was younger, I loved getting and receiving presents. But now that I'm older, I'd rather just enjoy friends' company on special occasions than be given candles or bath sets (those seem to be typical gifts for single women, though I do like the bath sets).

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  7. The gift-giving in our culture can really be out of control sometimes. Here you are trying to get out of debt, and if you kept up with what everyone else is doing, you'd get deeper in. Married or single, we're all in this mess of social expectations vs. real financial obligations. Ugh!

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    1. Hi Karen,
      Oh, I know, right? And it's not just the gifts, either; I've read so many advice columns with letters written by people complaining that they didn't get thank you cards for the gifts they distributed. I can understand their desire to be thanked, but on the other hand their obsession with thank you cards makes it seem like the gift is more about the giver than the recipient.

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  8. Sounds like life in Small Town is working out for you! Moving is so expensive. Really.
    I like to give gifts, but not when it's expected. I think those gifts are the best to give and receive!

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    1. Hi Emily,
      I had originally thought that if I didn't like living here, I would move after a year. But I think I'm going to stay for at least one more year, partly so I can save more money for my next move.
      Unexpected gifts are always nice, because they illustrate the thoughtfulness of the giver.

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  9. Sounds like life in Small Town is working out for you! Moving is so expensive. Really.
    I like to give gifts, but not when it's expected. I think those gifts are the best to give and receive!

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  10. Oh I feel your pain on the expense of socializing. And you definitely deserve a present for not snatching the croissants. Look, I love kissing as much as anyone does, but come on...croissants. You just don't not eat them.

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    1. Hi Caitlin,
      I know! Those croissants looked really good. I didn't understand why that couple didn't just stay home and make out, rather than gross out and annoy everyone in the cafe.

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  11. Sigh yeah. I'm perpetually single. But hey, sometimes I get the pleasure of shadenfreude when people complain about nagging spouses and demanding children to keep me warm at night. :-P

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    1. Hi Misha,
      I think that "perpetually single" would be an interesting name for a book, like a romantic comedy or something. :) I don't know if I have the patience to deal with demanding children and a nagging spouse. I don't even have patience for my annoying neighbors.

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