Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I Don't Know What to Write

I haven't blogged or Tweeted much lately because I haven't really had anything to write about. Partly it's because I've been preoccupied with teaching. Although I love teaching, it still infuriates me that some students don't think it's necessary to come to class every day, turn in their work on time, or look up from their cell phones during class. It bothers me even more when I get nasty e-mails from students who demand to know why they didn't get A's (even when they didn't do the bare minimum) and then try to pressure me to give them grades they didn't earn. Sometimes I focus so much on stuff like this that it makes me forget about everything else.

I've also been so wrapped up in my dissertation that I haven't had time to do things that I normally like to do: visit museums, exercise, read books without footnotes in them, write fiction in cafes, and write down witty one-liners about people who annoy me, like the girls at the gym who apparently never got the memo that underwear is not the new gym shorts.

Getting my PhD is important to me, but sometimes I wish I never went to grad school. I spent so much time working and studying that now, when I look back on my twenties, I feel like I didn't really let myself enjoy them. I lost more than one friend, who couldn't understand that my workday didn't end at five o'clock or why I had to work long hours on the weekend. The last time I traveled overseas was thirteen years ago, when I was twenty. I hardly went anywhere, except from Point A (school) to Point B (home) to Point C (my other part-time jobs) to Point Starbucks.

I sometimes think that if I had never gone to grad school and worked a 9-5 job instead, maybe I could have had a life. A life that doesn't revolve around work. A life that doesn't require me to work two or three jobs just to pay the bills and buy groceries. A life where comma splices don't make smoke come out of my ears.

I accomplished my goal, which was to become a teacher. I taught at different schools around the city; I became a good teacher; I learned more from my students than I did from anyone else. But teaching and grad school took up so much of my time that I sacrificed almost everything else that mattered to me.

Thinking about all of these things made me so stressed out that when I sat down in front of my computer, I couldn't think of what to write. I missed writing, but all my regrets and problems formed a block in my head that was almost impossible to break down.

Now that summer is coming up, I'll finally have more time to write (although I'll still be teaching and working on my dissertation). I finally realized that I have to make time to write regularly, especially because then I'll be much less likely to start sobbing over incorrect punctuation.

I also realized that I need to take a vacation, because I really have been working too hard. I've been debating on whether or not I should take a short trip to New York (I'd like to stay longer, but I can't afford more than a few days). It's expensive, and I should save my money, especially because my graduate funding is running out. I have a separate savings account for that trip, but I feel guilty about spending it. But I also don't want to wake up one day in my forties and feel like I never let myself enjoy my thirties.

What about you? Have you suffered from writer's block lately? How did you deal with it? Do you ever have regrets about experiences that you missed out on?

10 comments:

  1. I haven't had a lot of time to write lately either.
    I think you should take your vacation, even if it's just a little one. It might be just what you need to recharge.
    Also, as for friends lost in your twenties, have you tried reaching out to them lately? I know there are a few girls I lost touch with in my twenties because we were all so busy, but it's been great reconnecting with them. Some friendships can pick right back up again. :)

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    1. Hi Rachel,
      Thanks for the advice! I tried to keep in touch with those former friends, but it didn't really work out for the most part. One of them became very passive-aggressive and would make a point of ignoring me whenever I tried to talk to her; she'd immediately start talking to someone else instead. It was hard for her to understand what I was going through because her parents paid most of her bills. I think it just got to a point where we couldn't really relate to each other anymore.

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  2. Sounds like you do need a vacation. Maybe if you do go to NYC, you're love of writing will be renewed and you'll feel the passion again! Life can be draining, and when our well of creation runs dry, it's time for a change. I hope you find yours!

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    1. Hi Emily,
      If and when I go to NYC, I'm definitely going to bring my journal and write down all the interesting things that I see. I have felt pretty drained lately; even a workaholic like me needs a break. And thank you for the encouragement!

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  3. I think all of us have regrets about some things, life is quick and before you know it years have passed. You can't do anything about those past years, but you can do something about today. Go on that vacation, remember what it was that made you write in the first place.

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    1. Hi Melanie,
      Sorry about the late response, but thanks for the advice! You're right that life is quick; I used to think that I had all the time in the world, and it was a shock when I realized that I was wrong. The last time I traveled somewhere fun was more than ten years ago; I remember that I wrote almost every day.

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  4. I've writer's block in the past--either when I've been too busy or when I've been too demoralized. For the last 2 1/2 years, I've written nearly every day. But I don't have a dissertation hanging over my head.
    You do need a vacation! Grad school is grueling. I hope that what this eventually leads to is so much better.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      I hope that life after grad school is better, especially because I've been struggling in grad school for so long. It'll be a relief once I'm finally done with it. I wish I could write fiction every day; I feel like I'd be a lot happier if I did.

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  5. Right now I worry that if I don't use this opportunity to travel in Europe more, I'll look back on our time in Geneva and realise we never left the city once!
    If I ever feel like I'm not writing enough, I usually start getting up extra early in the morning to do it. Writing before all the distractions of the day crowd in can work wonders sometimes.
    Ooh, NYC! You could stay in Brooklyn maybe? Or find someplace relatively cheaper through Air BnB?

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    1. Hi Deniz,
      You should travel in Europe! Maybe go to Spain if you haven't already; the last time I did any real traveling was to Spain, more than a decade ago, and I loved it. The food was very good and the places I saw were beautiful.
      I was thinking I'd stay in Manhattan; I want to get a hotel room near Times Square. It's more expensive, but I want to be able to walk to several of the popular tourist attractions.

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