Monday, October 7, 2013

When (Almost) Everything Goes Wrong

The past couple weeks have been very difficult for me, and it seems like one bad thing kept happening after another. Here are some examples:

1. I haven't been sleeping very well lately, partly because I've been stressed out over my dissertation and partly because my new neighbor is very enthusiastic about her dates (and yes, I said "dates", because I've seen her come in and out of the building with different ones). She's so enthusiastic that I initially thought she kept watching a documentary on orangutans on Animal Planet. I was tempted to slip a note under her door or perhaps put a big sign on my window where she can see it, one that says, "THE WHOLE BUILDING CAN HEAR WHAT YOU'RE DOING."

2. One of my fellow graduate students recently won a prestigious award for her work. I can't help feeling jealous every time I hear about one of my classmates' accomplishments. I confided to this student about my struggles with my work on a couple occasions; she responded by emphasizing the fact that she was doing really well or that her professors had praised her work.

3. For every class I teach, there's always at least one or two students who are perpetually tardy or absent. One student waltzed in more than half an hour late. She is full of excuses. When I confronted her after class, she said, "I'll try not to be more than fifteen minutes late next time."

4. I gave up the chance to go to a one-night writing class at StoryStudio in order to stay home and do research for my dissertation. I spent hours making a list of books that I needed to check out of the library at my school. But it wasn't until after I got to campus the next day that I realized I left the list at home.

5. One of the other members on my dissertation committee read the draft that I spent all summer working on. I'd like to say that he had nothing but positive feedback on what I wrote and that I didn't feel like drowning my sorrows in M&Ms after I read his comments. I'd also like to say that I didn't run out of cereal and ate ice cream for breakfast instead. But then I'd just be lying.

6. Three guys "winked" at me in one day, which I was flattered by, until I read their profiles. One guy was thirty years older than me. Another guy wrote that he was looking for "discreet fun" (which may explain why he didn't put any pictures of himself in his profile). Another guy looked like he was at least seventy pounds overweight, though he was arrogant enough to describe himself as athletic and toned, and he wrote that he did not want to date any "heavy women".

7. A fourth guy also contacted me that day, though at least he wrote an e-mail. But his pictures in his profile looked familiar, so I went through all the e-mails I'd received and realized that he'd already sent me the exact same e-mail two months before, word for word. I think he must send the exact same e-mail to all the women he contacts on match.com.

8. And the award for the creepiest e-mail I've ever received goes to the loser on plentyoffish who offered to be my "financial benefactor" and to send me money. I never said ANYTHING about money in my profile. I think he either was trying to "hire" me for you-know-what or he sees himself as some kind of gross sugar daddy. I was furious that he may or may not have thought I was a prostitute or a sugar baby. I blocked him from contacting me again and immediately reported him to the site, though I really wanted to whap his face with my laptop.

9. A woman on the bus cursed at me in front of everyone else, because I accidentally caused her to miss her stop. I didn't move out of the way fast enough when she was trying to get off the bus through the back door (I tried to move out of the way, but the bus was too crowded), and the bus driver ignored her calls to stop. So she screamed at him and me.

10. Every time my parents call (and they insist on calling several times a week) they either ask when I'm going to be done with my dissertation or they tell me what I should do when I finish my dissertation. They've already decided which schools I should apply to, where I should live, and what kind of car I should get. There are several schools in the Chicago area, but they are pressuring me to leave Chicago. They've been pressuring me to leave the city that I love for years. I know that eventually I may end up in a college town, depending on where I get hired, but ultimately, where I live and teach is going to be my decision. For years, I've been trying to make my parents see that I have the right to live my life on my terms.

11. During a class discussion one day, the majority of the students actively participated the whole time, which was rare. They talked about the characters in the book we were studying as if the characters were real people. They said stuff like, "I am so mad at that character right now! I can't believe he did that!" I could tell that the book really affected them, and they said it was because they really liked it and they thought the author was really good. They wanted to know what else the author had written, and I saw several of the students write down the titles I gave them.

That was one of those rare days that made me remember why I've kept teaching all these years. I love it when the students get excited about what they're reading or writing. They were inspired by what they read in the book, and that inspired me.

Even though it seems like everything else in my life is going wrong right now (and I can't help but blame myself for most of what's happening, except for the jerks on those dating sites), that day in the classroom made me feel like I'm doing at least one thing right.

What about you? Do you ever go through those times where it feels like everything's going wrong? What makes you feel better?

22 comments:

  1. Yes, bad things seem to come in clumps for me, too. Once the train gets rolling I sit back and laugh. It's all you can do until it stops. And when it does, I celebrate. With chocolate.

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    1. Hi Melanie,
      A chocolate celebration sounds very good, especially right now. That's why I always keep a stash of chocolate in my apartment. :)

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  2. I'm so glad you had one of those teaching days! It helps to get a shot of inspiration when everything else feels bleak.

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    1. Hi Johanna,
      If it wasn't for teaching, I might have left graduate school a long time ago. Being a good scholar has always been difficult for me. It's also difficult to teach, but it's much more rewarding than academia.

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  3. financial benefactor - yeah, avoid that guy. Hope things get better.

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    1. Hi Libby,
      That guy was really weird and creepy. He said that we didn't have to meet in person, but he still wanted to send money. Methinks he was trying to set up some gross webcam situation.

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  4. Oh, so glad you students helped give you a good day!
    And yeah, I have times that this. You sound like you have a lot of stuff going on, it's no surprise you're feeling overwhelmed. When I get down I usually just read (or eat) something comforting. Usually things start to look up again before too long. I hope that's the case for you, too! :)

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    1. Hi Rachel,
      I'm definitely overwhelmed; it's something I've been feeling for a while, partly because I have two jobs and a dissertation. I wish that I could just have one job, or I wish that I could just focus on my dissertation full-time. It would be a lot less stressful. But thanks for the advice! I plan on browsing for a good book on Amazon (preferably one without footnotes); reading it will make me feel better.

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  5. {{hugs}} at least most of those events are all about other people and their crappy reactions to life, not about anything that you did or didn't do - I'd say ignore them and forget about 'em! Of course, this is coming from someone who, if there are both in the house, will sprinkle M&Ms all over a bowl of ice cream...
    I add raspberries to make myself feel better :-)
    Why would your parents want you to leave Chicago? I only visited for two days and I loved the city! Can't wait to return!
    Very inspiring to hear about students that are motivated :-)

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    1. Hi Deniz,
      M&M ice cream does sound really good; I should try that sometime. And thank you for the encouragement; it really does help!
      My parents think that Chicago isn't safe, and it is true that people who live here have to be on high alert, no matter which neighborhood they're in. The real reason they don't want me to live here, though, is because moving to Chicago was a decision that I made on my own. They've always believed that they knew what was best for me. But I think I am definitely old enough to make my own decisions, which I've been doing for years; it's just difficult to get them to understand that.

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    2. Hi Deniz,
      P.S. Next time you come to Chicago, let me know! :)

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  6. Yes I have those days! Funny though my things going wrong are so completely different from yours lol. I have 2 things that make it all better-- 1) Writing in my journal and 2) Taking a nap.

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  7. P.S. I had to follow you again with my new email so I'd get your updates :)

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    1. Hi Karen,
      I'm just glad that you're blogging so we can still "chat", haha! I like to write in my journal too, although once I accidentally left it in a cafe. When I came back to the cafe, I couldn't help feeling like some of the baristas had read it because of how they kept looking at me. Maybe I should start writing in code.

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  8. Gah! That stinks. It does seem like there are days/weeks where stuff like that piles up. When that happens, I focus on the good: healthy me, healthy kids, healthy hubby. I recently lost a good friend to cancer, so focusing on the little good things helps a lot.

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    1. Hi Julie,
      I'm sorry about your friend; that's definitely a very difficult thing to go through. It's good that you focus on the things that make you happy; my problem is that I tend to focus more on the things that stress me out. One thing that cheers me up is when I see people do good deeds for other people. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it makes me feel a little better to know that there are good people out there.

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  9. I just wrote a blog post about how everything feels like it's going wrong for me too! Ugh. Is it something about October? I can't imagine what it's like to come so close to getting you PhD and find so many obsticals still! I also can't imagine writing a dissertation. If I did I think I'd expect exstensive praise simply just for finishing it! Even just for trying! Needless to say, I'm impressed by such an undertaking alone. And the online dating sounds demoralizing...I'm considering taking the plunge back into that world again but oh lord I'm not looking forward to it.

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    1. Hi New York Cliche,
      It feels like the PhD has been out of my reach for so long; sometimes I worry that I'll never earn my doctorate. It's tough partly because I've always loved teaching more than research; professors are supposed to focus more on their research.
      Online dating can be very tough too, especially because there are so many jerks and creeps online. I can understand why you're dreading it, but on the other hand, you might meet someone nice. Even though I did date some guys I didn't like, there were a couple nice guys at least. So hopefully you'll met someone nice too. And I'm sorry that things have been going wrong for you; I hope things get better for you soon. :)

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  10. Good for you, finding a positive to end the post on. Yes, when one thing goes wrong/askew it seems like everything is going wrong. Just know that when things goes right, everything goes right - and it will for you soon, too. Good luck with the dissertation!

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      Thanks! I just want to finish the dissertation and finally move on with my life; once I do it'll be like a big weight will be off my shoulders. Maybe then things will finally start getting better, because it's like I've been in limbo all these years.

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  11. Yeah I get those times too. Did recently, in fact, but I just plod on, knowing that if I keep going, things'll improve.

    Hope October treats you better. :-)

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    1. Hi Misha,
      Thanks! I think that the stress over my dissertation makes me even more neurotic than usual; I also think that almost everything will be better once I finally finish the dissertation.

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