Monday, September 9, 2013

The Evaluation

Recently I showed a draft of a chapter I've been working on for my dissertation to my advisor. I've been working on it all summer. I gave up many beautiful days outside to study, write, and read scholarly books and articles that may as well be titled "I'm smarter than you, and here are all the footnotes and academic jargon to prove it" or "Even though this author MAY have only meant to tell a love story, I think this story is REALLY about Marxism/neoliberalism/capitalism/feminism/racism" or "How to Over-analyze a Novel in 50,000 Words or Less".

I really thought that this draft was a significant improvement over the previous drafts I wrote. I made a list of all the feedback I'd gotten from my committee, and I tried to incorporate that into this chapter. I tried to develop a stronger core argument. When I showed the draft to my advisor, I hoped that for the first time he would give me even just a little positive feedback. Even just one line of encouragement, like "I can see that you've put a lot of time and effort into this", would have been enough.

That didn't happen. He kept saying, "Okay, BUT...", "But you didn't even do this...", "The problem is..." and "I still don't understand..." I'd mentioned that my original draft was much longer, but that I'd edited it. He said, "Well, maybe you shouldn't have done that; maybe the original draft was better than this one is." He even rolled his eyes at one point.

I felt crushed. I tried to explain my dissertation's argument to him, but he kept saying that my claims weren't clear enough or that I wasn't making any specific claims at all. At first I tried to hold my own by responding to his criticism with my own ideas, but he kept questioning all of them, which made me feel like my ideas weren't as good as I thought they were.

I felt angry and frustrated, which is something that I've been feeling about this whole process for a long time. I looked down at the notebook I was holding, and I realized that I was gripping it so tightly that I almost gave myself paper cuts. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong and that my dissertation wasn't that bad. I wanted to prove to him that all the work I've been doing really did amount to something important. I wanted to scream and scream and scream that I was doing the best I could, damn it, but it was never good enough; it made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

When I talked to graduate students and lecturers about my situation last year, they advised me that at some point I need to stand up for my dissertation if I really believe in it, even if my advisor doesn't agree with it (although of course they didn't say that it's okay to scream at the advisor). But I feel like I can only challenge or defy my advisor to a certain extent. He, as well as the rest of the committee, are the ones who are going to sign off on my dissertation (or not). He has the power to make me leave the graduate program altogether, which is something that I'm terrified of. He's also the one with the PhD and the long list of credentials that I don't have yet. He's already an expert in the field that I'm still starting out in, so it's like fighting with someone who has a black belt in karate and the only thing you've ever been able to do is win a thumb-wrestling fight.

The other grad students and lecturers also told me about their difficulties with their advisors. One or two of them told me that they had to switch dissertation directors because they had so many problems with them (not an option for me, since my dissertation is on a specific topic that my advisor specializes in, unlike most of the other professors in my department). They also didn't always feel like they could stand up to them, because the professors had a lot more authority than they did.

At this point, all I can do (other than track down my professor's address and toilet-paper his yard) is revise my chapter. Again. I'm determined to finish this dissertation. I do NOT want my dream of becoming a professor and to be recognized as a "Dr." to be taken away from me. I don't want to let it go. I will NOT let go, unless they literally make me do it.

What about you? Do you ever feel like you can stand up to the people who have authority over your work? If not, why not? If so, how do you stand up to them?

Here's the video for Katy Perry's new song, "Roar". The video is kind of cheesy, but I like the song, especially the point she makes about how she finds her voice. I can definitely relate to THAT right now.

19 comments:

  1. Good luck. I had a friend that just did his masters thesis and defense. It sounds brutal. I wish I had advice or at least some online chocolate for you.

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    1. Hi Libby,
      Thanks! I wish I had some online chocolate too. I just wish the whole process wasn't so brutal. Not to mention I have to spend all this time writing a dissertation that only a handful of people are ever going to read.

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  2. I don't know squat about dissertations! Sorry bout that. But I'm rooting for you ;)

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    1. Hi Jessie,
      Thanks! It always helps to read nice comments like yours; it makes me feel better. :)

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  3. I agree. I think you need to stand up for your dissertation. He is ONE person and it sounds like he's really not getting your vision.

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    1. Hi Johanna,
      Thanks for the advice! Sometimes it's hard to remember that his perspective is not the only one; it's also hard to picture a life after graduate school, because I've been a student for so long. I just hope that he and the rest of the committee approve my dissertation so that I can finally be free.

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  4. I think you should go see if he has a point. If he does, you'll need to revise, but if not, you're going to need to find a way to get around him.

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    1. Hi Misha,
      He was right about certain aspects of my dissertation, so I will need to revise. But like you said, I do need to find my own way, because there were some points that he didn't agree with that I thought were pretty good.

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  5. Just because someone has a whole bunch of letters after their name doesn't always make them right. You're smart, too. If you believe in your paper, then stick with it.

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    1. Hi Melanie,
      Sometimes I don't feel so smart, especially when I compare myself to my grad school classmates. They always seem like they know more and have done so much more than I have. But there are parts of my paper that I really do believe in; that's why I thought that this draft was better this time. I just wish that he thought so too.

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  6. This sounds a bit like an editor/author relationship. My advice is to recover from the hurt, look at his comments objectively and decide which bits of advice you agree can improve your piece and which parts of your existing thesis are worth defending - and then defend them.

    His persistent negativity and the feedback of your peers makes me wonder if maybe it's almost some kind of test to get the students to dig in their heels and vigorously defend their work. Or maybe he's just a snooty jerk. Either way, I wish you much luck with this - you obviously have passion for what you do, that's got to win out in the end.

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    1. Hi Nicki,
      Thank you for the advice and the encouragement! It really does help to read these comments. I think it'd be easier if I wasn't passionate about becoming a professor and if I didn't love teaching so much; then I could just move on to a different career.
      There were some parts of his advice that I understood and at least partly agreed with. But there were other parts that I disagreed with; I tried to explain my claims to him, but he kept saying that I needed to do more. It's tough because I feel like I've already done so much. But I am willing to keep trying; I just hope that eventually he will sign off on the dissertation so that I can finally move on with my life.

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  7. It's a hard balance to find, listening to authority and believing in your work enough to hold your ground.

    I like Nicki's comment.

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    1. Hi Lynda,
      It took a long time for me to believe in my work, and even now it's still a struggle sometimes. It's tough because the professors on my committee are very different people; I admire all of them, but it's sometimes difficult to come up with something that they can all agree on.

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  8. I can never stand up for myself about anything, and yet I'll happily jump in if I feel someone else is being victimised. You've got some amazing resolve, it sounds as if it was a horrible horrible experience! You need ice cream. x

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  9. I can never stand up for myself about anything, and yet I'll happily jump in if I feel someone else is being victimised. You've got some amazing resolve, it sounds as if it was a horrible horrible experience! You need ice cream. x

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    1. Hi Charmaine,
      I need ice cream. And lots of caffeine as well, especially because I see a lot more footnotes in my future, sighhh...This whole experience has been very difficult for me. When I first started graduate school, I didn't think or know that it would be like this. I wish I had known. But thanks for the kind words! :)

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  10. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? My heart is breaking for you because you've been sacrificing so many things for so many years.

    Can you show your draft to someone else on your committee or someone else in the field? PhD advisors have too much power and they don't always use it wisely.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      I had hoped to show this chapter to my committee, but my advisor says it's not ready yet. I have a second reader on the committee, but I doubt that this person will approve of this draft. I don't feel as confident about this paper as I did a few days ago. But thank you for the advice, though. I appreciate it. It's tough because I have sacrificed a lot, but search committees and other professors don't care about that; they only focus on the dissertation and my references. But those sacrifices still matter to me, especially when I think of what I lost.

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