Monday, September 23, 2013

I Give Up...For Now

If there was ever a reason to cancel my plentyoffish membership, it's this one: I was recently contacted by a guy who described his occupation as "Ass Sniffer".

I immediately thought of my parents' dogs, Neurotic Jr. and Jane Dog, who greet other dogs by sniffing their butts. Was that guy trying to say that he acts like a dog? Does he also drink out of the toilet and like tummy rubs?

I suppose it could have been worse. He could have described himself as a "Boob Grabber".

I'm embarrassed to admit that I only got to go on one date this time around on match.com. On the other hand, I've already described eight other guys on this blog: I met two of them on okcupid, two on eharmony, and four on chemistry.com. Then there are all the other guys I went out with that I met on online dating sites before I started blogging. I'm not going to say how many I've gone out with, because it's more than I thought I would have to go out with.

I'll also admit that I haven't really been active on either site these last couple of months. I've just been so wrapped up in my dissertation that I haven't had time. It is time consuming to read through all those profiles and send out e-mails (I don't send winks anymore. If I were to meet a guy in real life, I'd strike up a conversation with him, not wink at him. Also, I don't like to wink because I'm afraid that my contact lens will fall out.).

I really do want to meet someone special. I want to get married and have a family. It doesn't help that almost every time my mother calls, she either asks if I'm dating anyone or she tells me that someone younger than me is getting married.

I want to meet someone whose personality is kind of like Harry's in the film When Harry Met Sally. I always liked that in addition to being in love with each other, they were also best friends. And they were perfect for each other, because they were equally neurotic. If I could fall in love with a guy who could be my neurotic best friend AND my boyfriend, life would be good. (It'd also be nice if he looked and danced like Channing Tatum did in the film Magic Mike, but that's not necessarily a requirement.)

I know someone who thinks that Mr. Right will just show up one day. She's still waiting. I thought it was better to put myself out there. I still remember how each time I went on another date, I felt a mixture of nervousness and hope.

But I DON'T want to keep sending e-mails to guys who aren't interested, or to receive one or two e-mails from a guy before he pulls a disappearing act. Every time I got rejected, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I thought I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, or interesting enough. It made me remember what it was like to be a wallflower in high school. I hated it. I know that everyone gets rejected, but when you get rejected over and over again, it can be very disheartening.

I DON'T want to read any more profiles of men who only want to date women who are decades younger than them, but who don't want to date women who are their age or are two years older. Apparently their enormous egos prevent them from realizing that most women in their teens and twenties prefer to date guys their own age. Unless I start lying about my age or get plastic surgery (which will never happen, because if I could afford plastic surgery, I'd spend the money on books, coffee, and Kick Me signs instead), it may get even more difficult for me to find someone as I get older. But I don't want to be with someone who likes me just because I'm fifteen years younger.

I don't regret joining any of those online dating sites. I got to meet new people and go on dates. I learned what I want and what I don't want. I gained enough courage to put myself out there, which is something I was too afraid to do for a long time. I also got enough material for at least two novels.

Now I'll have more time to write fiction. I had to set my manuscripts aside for almost the entire summer in order to work on my dissertation, which is why I turned into the Neurotic Hulk. I'll also have more time for the other things that make me happy, like taking fiction writing classes, reading, visiting museums, watching TV crime dramas, attending plays, and teaching. And, of course, I'll have more time for my dissertation.

I'm not saying I'll never put myself out there ever again. My match.com membership expires in November, so I'll keep it until then. I might even send out a few e-mails to guys whose profiles don't creep me out or who make me want to join a convent. But I'm not going to be as active on either site as I was before.

What do you think? Do you think it's better to keep putting yourself out there, or do you think it's better to leave it up to fate?

16 comments:

  1. Clearly this method is more work than it's worth. Give yourself opportunities to go out in the real world, and maybe you'll meet a real live guy where winking won't be involved. Sometimes these things happen when we least expect them, but the more you put yourself out there, the better.

    Enjoy writing fiction again.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      It will definitely be great to get back to writing fiction; I missed it terribly. I don't enjoy writing my dissertation, especially because my status in graduate school and my career depend on it. So it's a lot of pressure. It's nice to be able to escape from that when I can, because fiction writing is like a breath of fresh air.
      Thanks for the advice about dating. I've gotten so used to online dating that it's almost difficult to imagine meeting a guy in a different way.

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  2. Taking a more relaxed approach might be the answer. I believe in Fate, but I also think you have to give it a helping hand - if all you do is commute, work and sit at home, Fate is going to have its work cut out. But some of the men you've met through these sites have been truly awful - and you deserve better than that! If all else fails, join a car maintenance evening class :-)

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      It'd be nice if I could meet someone on my commute; I've heard from a couple other people who started dating people they met while waiting for trains. But most people don't talk to each other or even look at each other on the train. I wish that I could sometimes, if only to strike up a conversation about an interesting book that a fellow passenger is reading. Thanks for the advice, though! A car maintenance class is a good idea. I don't have a car, but it could be good preparation for when I do own one.

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  3. Have you ever watched the movie Under the Tuscan Sun? I think it would be good for you. It's about waiting. And how it sucks. But there's a happy ending, I promise. And I think there will be for you, too.

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    1. Hi Melanie,
      I did watch that film. The part I liked best was Sandra Oh's storyline; she showed up in Italy with a broken heart, but she ended up with a happy family. Thank you for your kind words; I hope that I do get my own happy ending someday.

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  4. Oh my gosh, a guy actually wrote that about himself? What on earth was he thinking?
    As far as fate or putting yourself out there, I think it takes a bit of both. And I'm a firm believer in 'there is someone for everyone.' Good luck! And enjoy your single time, too!

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    1. Hi Rachel,
      Yup, he really did write that. He didn't write much else in his profile, though that one phrase pretty much said it all. He was kind of cute in his pictures, but because of how he described himself, I'm NEVER going to e-mail him.
      I think you're right about how it's a combination of both. I hope there is someone out there for me, especially someone who doesn't mind that I will always be a neurotic workaholic. Thanks for the encouragement; it really helps! :)

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  5. Ass sniffer?! Seriously! Did you ask him how it pays? LOL It's ridiculous you have to wade through that kind of garbage. To echo what others are saying here, you just need to get out to places where people like you would hang out.

    Do you like dogs? Start going to dog parks. Do you like reading? Hang out in libraries and book stores. Music? Concerts--the point is, you can go do these things with an eye for meeting people but also be able to be yourself and enjoy life. There's ZERO wrong with being the woman who is always at Barnes & Noble scoping out the men. :)

    Have you tried meet ups (like meetup.com)? It's always in groups, so it's relatively safe and innocuous, and you can find people interested in almost anything.

    I think the key is just increasing your circle of contacts. Almost every meaningful relationship I've had in my life was due to friends-of-friends connecting us, or connecting through a hobby, or work... I usually 'knew' them for a while first and the dating just kind of happened organically.

    In the end, you have a right to be selective and wait for the person you want to spend your time with. Just don't give up hope or quit trying. :)

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    1. Hi E.J.,
      Thank you for the suggestions! They're very helpful. I have been hit on in bookstores before, but unfortunately it's always been the creepy guys who hit on me, never the guys I'm interested in. I wish that my parents' dogs lived with me; then I could take them to the dog parks. I do like concerts, but my taste in music mirrors that of a teenage girl's; there aren't a lot of guys (except for the dads of those teenage fans) at the concerts that I usually like to go to. I haven't tried a meetup, though they do sound like fun.
      I'm not sure why that guy wrote what he did. Maybe he was trying to be funny, but he just sounded gross. Sheesh. Guys like him make me think that maybe I'm a creep magnet.

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  6. Oh yes, I like the idea of meetup.com - they seriously have groups with all kinds of interests, so that even if you don't meet a guy, you'll have fun. I think you're wise spend more time doing things you enjoy and less time on the frustrating dating sites. It's bound to boost your happiness & confidence so you be more emotionally ready for that guy when he does come along. I sort of believe in fate, but I also think fate gets helped along by putting yourself out there - not necessarily on dating sites, but just be being social.

    I loooove When Harry Met Sally, love it, and lately I've been thinking about how it influences so much of my writing - my couples are usually friends first. :)

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    1. Hi Nicki,
      Thanks for the advice! And yes, the dating sites have been very frustrating, because most of the guys who have contacted me are not what I'm looking for. Usually it's because they're too old or they wrote something weird (or nothing at all) in their profiles.
      I wish I had thought to join a meetup group during the summer, when I had more time; during the school year it's more difficult to make time for it due to my jobs and my dissertation. But if there is an event that looks like fun and isn't too expensive, maybe I will go.
      I love When Harry Met Sally too. I just taped it recently; I love the way they obsess over everything together.

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  7. I'm glad you feel you learned from these experiences. You are very brave to put yourself out there. But love is worth fighting for, so keep it up!
    It's wonderful that you have lots of writing material and that you're getting back to your writing. Having fresh eyes for revising, etc. is always helpful!

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    1. Hi Emily,
      Thank you for your encouragement! I hope that I do find love someday; so far all I've found are guys that I don't want to be with. But one thing about chick lit is that there is always at least one "wrong guy" in the story; I have a lot of material now that will help me describe that type of guy. And at least writing fiction doesn't make me feel bad about myself (unlike online dating); it makes me feel happy.

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  8. I think a balance is a good thing. I believe that I'll meet Mr. Right one day, but that it means that I have to go out and meet lots of Mr. Wrongs.

    At the same time, I don't really actively search, since it's just a waste of my time. If the guy's into me, he'll show he's interested. If he doesn't then he's an idiot and not worth my time.

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    1. Hi Misha,
      Thanks for your input! I think that there are a lot of Mr. Wrongs on the online dating sites; sometimes they're easy to spot, like the guy who e-mailed me twice in three months. Apparently he forgot he e-mailed me the first time, because he sent the exact same e-mail the second time; my guess is this jerk sends the same e-mail to all women.

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