Monday, July 1, 2013

What I'm Looking For

Even though I've only been a member of plentyoffish.com for about a week, I think I'm going to cancel my membership. I just read a profile where the guy wrote, "I'm looking for a girl who's really hot and has really big boobs."

Another guy sent me an e-mail that creeped me out. He wrote, "I will love you as much as you deserve to be loved." (He doesn't even know my name, and he's already promising to love me? Blech!)

One guy wrote an e-mail that said, "I make a lot of money and will pay for everything. A pretty thing like you shouldn't have to work." (First of all, I really don't like being called a "thing". Second of all, DON'T tell me that I won't have to work! That's like telling the Kardashians that they can't be filmed anymore!)

My lack of success this time around has made me feel more than a little disappointed and bitter. In fact, I'm sitting in Starbucks right now, and there's a young couple sitting next to me who hasn't stopped touching each other, stroking each other's hair, and kissing since they sat down beside me, and it's been a half hour now. I never thought I'd be the type of person to yell, "Get a room!" or throw coffee at annoying public displays of affection, but I really wish these people who won't stop groping each other would GO AWAY right now.

In an online dating profile, you can describe who you are and what you're interested in, but you can also describe what you're looking for. I wrote that it would be nice to find someone to enjoy the city with, and that I was looking for someone who is close to my age and lives in Chicago or the suburbs. But if I was going to be really honest, here's what I would have written:

Recently I bought a small filing cabinet with two drawers for ten dollars from my building's super. Before I opened it, I thought, "Hmm. I hope there aren't any dead animals in there." The guy I'm looking for would not only not think I was weird for thinking that, but would open the cabinet and check it for me.

On match.com, you can list the last book that you read. Some guys wrote, "I really don't like to read. I like magazines, though." Another guy wrote, "I just read my friend's Twitter feed. Good stuff." The guy I'm looking for wouldn't necessarily have to read as much as I do, but he would be someone I could talk about books with.

Although I will admit that most of the guys I've dated have been physically fit, looks aren't necessarily a deal breaker for me. I've e-mailed more than one guy because of what he wrote in his profile, not because of what he looked like. The guy I'm looking for would NEVER specify a weight limit for his dates, tell women not to e-mail him if they are fat, or write that he only wants to date "fit" women. Even though I go to the gym four to five times a week, I will never be a size six, due to my love of all things chocolate-covered. The guy I'm looking for would accept that and would still think that I am beautiful.

The guy I'm looking for also wouldn't be the type to drive around in his car with his music blasting so loud that the doors vibrate. He wouldn't keep his neighbors up all night with his loud parties or television, which means he'd never have to deal with my wrath or dodge the objects that I want to throw at loud people. He wouldn't cut in front of anyone in line, and he'd be polite, considerate, and courteous to everyone.

He would also have a good job (though he doesn't have to make six figures) and be ambitious and hard-working. I read one profile where the guy wrote, "I don't have a job right now, but I am in a band and I'm sure I'll get my big break soon." Another guy wrote, "I live with my parents, which is cool because I don't have to pay rent. So I only have to work part-time, which leaves me more time to play video games." (I'm not making that up. Did I mention this guy is in his thirties?) I want someone who doesn't treat his parents like an ATM and is responsible.

On plentyoffish you can write if you're looking for a relationship or if you're looking for casual dates with no commitment. A lot of the guys my age wrote that they're looking for casual dates. But I'm thirty-two years old. I don't want to keep going on first dates. I want a family of my own. I want someone who wants the same things I do, and who would NEVER ask me to hook up with him AND his friend (yes, that did happen to me) or who would ask to hook up with one of my friends. And he would NEVER want an "open relationship". (What's the point of being in a relationship if you're still dating other people?)

When I did online dating before, I had at least a few leads and had even gone on a date or two by now. But I joined match.com more than a month ago, and...nothing. It's left me feeling very discouraged.

Match.com has these singles events that they refer to as The Stir. There's a trivia night, a happy hour, and sporting events. Next month there's a speed dating event. I thought about going, but I already tried speed dating a few years ago, and it did not end well for me. I'm not sure if I want to try again. What do you think?

I still want to meet someone. But these past few weeks I've been neglecting my dissertation due to my online dating memberships, and now I've fallen even more behind. I think that I'm going to have to set online dating aside for now, and focus on my studies. I've spent too much time on these sites and ended up with nothing. But at least if I spend enough time on my dissertation, I'll end up with a doctorate.

Sighhh. The couple beside me keep stroking each other's hair, and now the girl is MOANING. I feel like I'm trapped in the middle of a really bad porno.

What about you? If you're single, what do you look for in a potential mate? If you're in a relationship, then what made you fall for that person that you're with?

19 comments:

  1. Ugh! So sorry you're bearing witness to bad porn!

    My husband saw me from afar and begged my roommate to introduce us and it was sort of love at first date. That being said, if I was still in the market I would definitely want someone who read books, made interesting conversation and definitely checked out file cabinets for dead animals (basic understanding of my many neurosis). Keep looking...he's out there :)

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    1. Hi Johanna,
      That couple really bothered me; it made me wonder why they bothered to come to a coffee shop when they could have just gone home and had privacy.
      I think it's sweet that your husband asked for an introduction and that you fell for each other right away. I hope that the one for me is out there, and I hope that I won't have to keep looking for much longer.

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  2. It sounds like being honest to the point of silliness is the new online dating tool.

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    1. Hi Karen,
      I'm not sure why guys think their version of honesty is appealing, but I think they need to come up with a new version that doesn't include any mention of boobs or how much a woman weighs.

      Delete
  3. NW--I, too, hope you find someone soon. But in the meantime, you are getting lots of writing fodder.

    Chicken Soup for the Soul has a July 15 deadline for dating stories. They pay $200 and 10 free books. The Not Your Mother's Book...On Dating is also looking for stories with more edge and more sass. (www. publishingsyndicate.com) They either pay in royalties or 10 free books. Check them out. You could turn your dating losers into publishing winners...

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    1. Hi Sioux,
      Ooh, thanks for the links! I'll be sure to check them out. I've been struggling with writer's block lately, but this could help me overcome it. And I definitely wouldn't mind getting ten free books. I feel like I've read all of my books at least twice.

      Delete
    2. Sorry to possibly mislead you. You would get 10 free books with YOUR story in them, and then would have to force them on friends and relatives at Christmas or you could set up a table at a craft fair/writers event and sell them. However, the book would have 60-100 other stories (besides yours) which would keep you busy for a day or two...

      Here's hoping your writer's block dissipates...

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  4. I fell for my hubby's mischieveous nature, his HUGE heart, his intelligence, his sense of humour... I could go on, but I think you get the gist. These, however, aren't things I could write down and shop for. They are things I had to slowly discover in him over time.

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    1. Hi Lynda,
      I think it's good that you took the time to get to know him; I think that one problem with online dating is that it puts a lot of pressure on the first date or even the first e-mail. It makes people feel like they have to make the best first impression or nothing will ever happen.

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  5. Doesn't sound like you're asking for much, but I know how hard it can be! Like you, I wanted someone with a good job and who was interested in things.

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    1. Hi Talli,
      I would like to find someone who has a good job; I think that says something important about his work ethic and ambition.

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  6. I love the thing about the dead animal in the box! I think you should put that on your profile. ;) Seriously, the right guy would laugh and think that's awesome. :)
    Good luck!

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    1. Hi Rachel,
      Thanks! I tried to make my profile sound funny, especially because a lot of guys on match.com claim that they're looking for a woman with a sense of humor. But on plentyoffish.com it seems like the guys are looking for something else.

      Delete
  7. Wow, this all sounds so discouraging. Where are the normal people like you?!?
    Anyhow, what I really meant to say was, I've thought of a group you can join!
    It's called InterNations and as far as I know they have clubs in every major city. I think it started out as a way for expats in big cities to hang out together, but last time I went to a Montreal event (it was a Jazz Festival drinks/coffee thing) there were lots of Montrealers there, plus people from Germany, Hungary, Indonesia, France, various places in South America, China, the US - well, you get the idea :-)
    Lots of fun!

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    1. Hi Deniz,
      It is discouraging, especially because more than 90% of the guys who have contacted me on match.com have been more than fifteen years older than me. InterNations sounds interesting, though; I'll try and check it out. Thanks for the tip!

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  8. I definitely say to focus on that dissertation - all the signals you're getting from the dating sites seem to be warning you away from them. Though the Stir sounds fun. Maybe limit your involvement to those kinds of things.

    I agree that the filing cabinet story is adorable & should go on your profile!

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    1. Hi Nicki,
      I wanted to sign up for the speed dating party, but it filled up pretty quickly. In a way, though, I'm kind of relieved. I do need to focus on my dissertation; I really need to finish a chapter this summer, and I'm not even halfway done.

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  9. I laughed all the way through this. I'm a guy, a Ph.D., have had a sucessful carer as a professor and considering retirement. Yet, every thing you say about the men I don't doubt for a second. But, I have to say it all works in reverse: the women are just if not more superficial. No one read. No one writes. a "graduate degree" can mean she graduated from high school. The biggest challenge I face is listening to people who speak with absolute certainty and haven't a clue about the topic they are attempting to address. I know. I'm a smart guy. Perhaps that's intimidating. I know there are lots of things on which I can be wrong. I also know when I meet some one smarter than I, I shut up, listen and think.Well, thet doesn't work very well. LOL. I could go on except to say that it happens on both sides of the sexual divide and I hope you keep trying.

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    1. Hi Erik,
      Thanks for the advice! I don't agree that women are more superficial, though; I'd say it's more or less equal on both sides. A lot of the guys' profiles that I read actually specified that they didn't want "heavy" or "fat" women; one guy actually wrote that he was hoping for Scarlett Johansson's lookalike. Another wrote that he didn't want a girl who "wheezed when she climbed the stairs." Then again, I know that there are girls who are holding out for guys who look like Ryan Gosling; I'm not one of them (though I do think Ryan is cute).
      I eventually cancelled my match.com membership because one thing I noticed is that most of the guys in their 30s were looking for women in their early 20s (or even late teens); even several of the guys who were my age (32) didn't want to date women who were 32. And I kept getting e-mails and winks from guys in their late 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s! So it just got to be too much.

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