Monday, May 20, 2013

Back to the Dating Board...Again

After months of putting it off, I recently joined match.com. I feel nervous about the prospect of dating again, irritated that at age 32, I'm apparently "too old" to be dateable, hopeful that I'll find a guy who doesn't flirt with other women in front of me (yes, that did happen to me on a date), and tempted to just give up on finding Mr. Right and stock up on a bunch of ice cream.

Even though it's not quite summer yet and I'm not yet done with school, I figure that now is a good a time as any to start dating again. I decided against okcupid, since there are way too many guys on that site looking for "casual encounters" and "activity partners". (Yes, you can actually specify that that is what you are looking for on okcupid.) Also, fellow blogger Theresa Milstein sent me a video on my thirty-second birthday. It's by someone named Elaine Moran and it's a parody of Taylor Swift's song "22"; this song is called "32" and it basically describes my life (except subtract all the wine she's drinking and replace it with coffee). Even though I loved the video (thanks for sending it to me, Theresa!), it made me realize that I have to be proactive if I want my life to change.


Eharmony was out, because it was too expensive and when I was a member, there were too many guys on that site who didn't include any pictures in their profiles. I'm not completely superficial, but looks do matter to some extent; I don't want to cringe and run in the opposite direction if my date tries to kiss me. I liked chemistry.com, but I decided to try match.com again (I tried it four years ago), partly because a lot of people are on that site. So I figured, why not?

I included several recent pictures of myself in my profile, and I wrote a description of myself in the same way that I write blog posts. That is, I tried to make it sound funny and witty, in the hopes that guys would read it and think, "Wow, she sounds MUCH more interesting than all those other girls who look like swimsuit models. I should e-mail her."

I've only been on the site a couple days, but one thing that really bugs me is the issue of age. I've been contacted by several guys already, but most of them are in their late forties and fifties. I'm willing to date someone who's ten years older, but not older than that; I'd prefer to date someone in his thirties, like me, because then we'd probably have more in common. I'd also like to tell guys that if they're going to lie about their age in their profiles, they probably shouldn't claim to be twenty years younger than they look, because they aren't fooling anyone.

Another thing that bothers me is that a lot of of the guys in their thirties and forties on that site only want to date significantly younger women. I can understand how guys in their twenties prefer to date women who are close to their own age. But I saw a profile of one thirty-five-year old guy who wrote that his ideal match is between the ages of 18-28. So even though I'm only three years younger than him, apparently, I'm still too old for him.

Twenty-eight is the popular cutoff age for a lot of the guys on that site, including the guys in their thirties. What's interesting (and irritating) is that the guys are willing to date women who are twenty years younger than them, but they aren't willing to date women who are two years younger (or older) than them. And to that I say, "Good luck with getting someone that young to date you, because most women in their late teens and early twenties think that anyone over the age of twenty-five is old." (I teach college students, and I remember what it was like to be an eighteen year old girl, so I know that it's true.)

Why is it that so many men want to date younger women? It can't just be because they want to start families, because women in their thirties are still capable of having children. What's more, there are a lot of thirtysomething women, including me, who still want to have families.

There are many women out there who want to date younger men (although often it seems like people are more critical of the women who date younger men than the men who date younger women). But I am not one of them. I think it'd be okay to date someone who was four or five years younger, but I feel like a twenty-two year old guy would be going through all these things that I already experienced a decade ago. I'm not saying it's wrong to want to date someone younger, and there are many successful, loving relationships out there with significant age differences. But I do think it's unfair that no matter what else I have to offer someone, my age is an automatic barrier to many men.

But I'll keep trying, at least for now. I signed up for a three-month membership with match. If this website doesn't work, I'll try plentyoffish.com, which I haven't tried before. I really do want to get married and have children someday, though I didn't put that on my profile. That'd be like taking pictures of myself trying on bridal gowns and posting them in my profile, which would make a lot of guys cringe and run in the opposite direction.

Wish me luck.

What about you? Why do you think some men and women want to date younger people? Have you ever dated anyone who was significantly older/younger?

19 comments:

  1. I applaud you getting back on the horse! :) All kidding aside, it's no easy thing to seek out a companion, and I do wish you tons of luck.

    I was a guy who always dated older girls, and then ended up marrying a person 3 years younger than me--literally only the second person I'd ever dated younger than me. So I'm not sure I'm a great example to go off of.

    In many cases, I think you find a lot of the guys in their late 30s & 40s who are dating have already been married once, and they're seeking out something different than their previous experience. So that basically leaves dating women in their 50s or their 20s. Most default to 20s. There's a fear of finding someone too much like yourself or what you had before I'd imagine.

    You sound plenty openminded enough to me. You can't draw hard lines when it comes to relationships, because you're just begging to miss out on someone special. But there's no harm in being judicious with your time and approach. You're right, most guys in their late 40s aren't going to naturally relate to you--doesn't mean there isn't one out there that could, just not highly probable.

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    1. Hi E.J.,
      Your explanation of guys wanting someone different makes sense. And there are a lot of divorced guys and single dads on the site, so maybe that's one reason why they want to date younger women.
      I really don't think I'd be comfortable dating someone who was a lot older. It'd be easier to date someone who was closer to my age, because then we'd probably be more likely to relate to each other.

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  2. I'm laughing so hard at that video. But seriously, don't write yourself off because you're in your 30s. I look at women in their twenties and (despite my incipient wrinkles) they don't have anything on me. Thirties are sexy. Own it!! And before you know it you'll be fighting men off. As for the losers who only want a woman who is twenty years younger. They're just silly little men who would probably be way too boring for you anyway!

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    1. Hi Johanna,
      I loved that video, partly because it made me feel better that I'm not the only thirty-two-year-old who lives like that. I hope that I do have more success with dating; I've already tried eharmony, okcupid, and chemistry.com, and I'm still single, even though I did get to go on dates with guys from all those sites. I'm tired of dating; I just want to meet the right guy. I definitely don't want to date someone who only wants to date younger women, because they just frustrate me. But thank you for the encouragement! I'm going to need it this time around.

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  3. Actually, the age thing can be put down to biology. Men are programmed to want to father children - the younger the woman, the more children she can bear. Obviously this was the case 500-1000 years ago, and not so much now, but those throwback ideas are quite hard to shift from our subconscious.

    I'm sure there are plenty of men out there - and really, you're only looking for one of them :-)Have fun dating!

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      That's interesting about how men are programmed to want to father children. I think it's true. On the other hand, there are many guys on that site who only want to date women in their twenties but actually specify in their profiles that they don't want to date women who already have children. So maybe they only want to father their own children rather than someone else's.
      I hope that I will find someone special this time, and I hope he'll be worth the wait.

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  4. my hubby is 9 years older than me...the older you get it seems age is irrelevant, when it's within a certain narrow gap. 20yr difference...no thanks!! good luck out there, sounds like times have gotten worse more so than changed!!

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    1. Hi Tammy,
      I definitely don't want to be with someone who's twenty years older than me, either. The guys in their fifties who keep e-mailing me on that site, however, seem to think otherwise. But I think I would just feel awkward about it.
      I feel like times have gotten tougher; it didn't seem like it would be this difficult when I was younger. I wish that dating didn't feel like work. But maybe it'll be different if and when I meet someone I actually like.

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  5. You should just lie about your age. Say you're 29. It'll help you get a guy who's better suited to you, since you know how guys are about age, and then when they bring up your age, laugh and say "No, silly, I'm 32!" And then if they say something about it, they will seem like a total ageist.

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    1. Hi mmarinaa,
      I probably could get away with lying about my age, since a lot of people have commented that I look younger than I actually am. But I'm not very good at lying; my face gives me away every time. It's why I'd never be good at poker. But there are definitely a lot of ageists on match.com and other online dating sites. I'd like to know if they actually succeed in getting women who are twenty years younger to date them.

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  6. Yep, I reckon guys want to date younger women because it 'looks' good and makes them feel more manly, lol ;)

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    1. Hi Lynda,
      I think you're right. I think they want to convince themselves that they can still get beautiful young women who are twenty years younger than them even though they are getting older. But I think that most young women prefer to date men who are closer to their own age. I'd like to tell that to the sixty year old man who recently "winked" at me on match.com; I do NOT want to date someone who's almost thirty years older than me.

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  7. All the best with dipping your toe back in the dating game!

    Nas

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  8. I have to be honest. I am really lucky to have met and married my hubby young. I know it doesn't usually work out when that happens, but I guess we beat the odds! Today is actually our 19th anniversary and we have 3 kids. Do I ever wonder what it would have been like to have more "world experience"? Yeah. But I'm still happy.

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    1. HI Lisa,
      You are lucky, and it's great that you're happy. I didn't really date when I was younger. Now I'm navigating the dating world as an adult, and it's more complicated than I thought it would be.

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  9. Ha, I'm glad to see this video again. Glad you liked it. I'm afraid to the see the "42" version, if anyone makes it.

    Good luck as you enter the dating scene again. As soon as some guy gets you and your excellent sense of humor, you'll have found The One.

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  10. My husband is the exact same age as me. I don't think there's anything wrong with dating older or younger people, but too many men really skew those #s in favor of younger women. It's annoying.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      Thanks again for sending me the video; I really liked it. A lot of the guys wrote in their profiles that they're looking for a girl with a good sense of humor, yet none of them have e-mailed me. :(
      Based on what I've seen this week, there are way too many men who favor younger women; I keep seeing profile after profile of guys in their thirties who only want to date women in their twenties (and in some cases, expand the search to include women in their late teens). But what they don't know (or what they refuse to accept) is that a lot of those women don't want to date someone who's that much older; they prefer men who are closer to their own age.

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