Monday, March 18, 2013

Balancing Work and Everything Else

Before I learned that it would take me two more years to finish grad school (when I thought that I would be done by the end of next year), I had been seriously considering joining an online dating site again. I recently received a LinkedIn request from a guy whose name only sounded vaguely familiar. I'm not on LinkedIn, but I clicked on the guy's page to see who it was.

It turned out to be a guy I went on a date with a few years ago. He actually mentioned his wife on his job profile. I wasn't sad or disappointed to learn that he'd gotten married, since I hadn't even spoken to him since our one date and I hadn't even liked him very much anyway. On that night, he acted like he was doing me a favor by hugging me goodbye, and at one point during the date he high-fived me. And when I say "he high-fived me", I don't mean that as a euphemism for something dirty; I mean he actually gave me a high five. (It made me feel like I was his fraternity brother or something.)

I was curious, so I Googled a couple of the other guys I'd met through online dating. (I'm not on Facebook, so I couldn't check out their profiles. And I wouldn't WANT to, because what if they found out I was checking up on them and then they either laughed pityingly at me or did something worse, like call me?) I found out that a guy I hadn't even dated had gotten married as well; I found his wedding picture online. This was one of the disappearing acts, who e-mailed me once and then I never heard from him again. In his one e-mail, he had mentioned that he was a filmmaker, and I later learned that he had made a film about stick figures having sex with each other. (I WISH I was making that up.)

So after learning that those two had both found love, I started making plans to try online dating again. A lot of women wonder where the men are, but I already know. In Chicago, many of them are at the sports bars, yelling authoritatively at the games on the TV screens and chugging beer with their friends. But seeing as how the last time I drank alcohol (I used to let myself have a drink once every few years, but I don't do that anymore.), I tripped and fell into a crowd of people (and this was after I'd had only ONE drink),  I figured that I wouldn't make a very good impression at a bar. And my idea of playing a sport is imagining my loud, annoying, and inconsiderate neighbors trapped in an arena with a couple of gladiators, or perhaps a couple of lions who haven't eaten yet. (Just kidding. Sort of.)

I wanted to try match.com, because it's so popular, NOT because of all the commercials that feature people having fun on their first dates. That already tells me that those commercials are unrealistic, because on most of my first dates - including the ones that I went on the first time I tried match.com - I did NOT have fun. Instead, I spent most of the time counting the number of exits in the places that I went to with my dates, or wishing that I had worn sneakers instead of heels so that I could make a faster getaway. The more popular a site is, though, the more people are on it.

But that meeting with my professors made me realize that I have to make my dissertation a top priority, now more than ever. What if I screw up again, and they told me I have to leave the graduate program? When your life revolves around your work, the possibility of failing at your work is enough to completely freak you out. Knowing that any of those guys I went on dates with had gotten married doesn't bother me. But knowing that I couldn't be a teacher anymore would truly break my heart.

I really do want to start dating again, even if it means going on more awkward first dates (sighhhh). And I want to get married someday, and have children. (But seeing as how I'm pushing thirty-two, I'm not sure how many children I'll be able to have. I hope I get to have at least one, though.)

But instead, I've become even more of a workaholic. I spend most of my free time studying. The problem with online dating is that it takes up a lot of time. There are all the hours spent combing through profiles, writing e-mails and answering them, talking on the phone with people I'm interested in, and going on the actual dates. There is also the time I have to spend blocking certain guys from e-mailing me again, particularly if they a) are too old or too young for me; b) apparently believe that no response from me means that they should keep e-mailing me as many times as possible, since the word "stalker" is not in their vocabularies; c) make it clear in their profiles that they're looking for someone to hook up with (on okcupid you can specify if you're looking for a "casual encounter"); d) make their profiles sound like they were written by one of the characters on South Park or Family Guy.

So I've decided that unfortunately, online dating is going to have to wait until the end of the school year. It sucks, but it would just be too much of a distraction right now. I wish I could figure out a way to balance work and everything else, but it's hard to do that when graduate school makes you feel like if you don't commit to it completely, the other academics will haunt you or you'll have nightmares about footnotes.

What about you? How do you balance work and everything else?

21 comments:

  1. I was lucky with my on- line dating experience. I'm in no way bragging because I went through that weird guy hook up stage myself. Luckily they moved on to other unsuspecting women, hope you didn't get a guy I turned down, lol. They can be real creepy can't they.

    However I finally got lucky when I wondered into a chat room and began chatting with a guy and we ended up complaining about dating, our ex's, and everything else. Within months we were chatting all the time and within a year I was traveling to meet him. Yes I was in another state attending school and he did not want me giving up school to be with him- yet.

    Fast forward we just celebrated out 7th anniversary and I am back in school getting an English degree. He makes sure school work comes before anything else because he knows how much this means to me. I hope you find someone just like I did. ( yes he has a brother unfortunately from what I hear they are nothing of the kind.)

    Debi

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    1. hehe I should have fast forwarded to a second cup of coffee so I would have caught our 7th anniversary instead of out.. sorry, going for that second cup now.

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    2. Hi Connecting to the soul,
      Some of the guys on those online dating sites really are creepy, which is why they include the word "sex" several times in their profiles. Not all the guys are like that, but it's a definite turn-off.
      I'm glad that you found love online; it sounds like you found someone you had a lot in common with. And that's interesting that you two lived in different states; I've heard that long-distance relationships can be tough, but they can also be successful when both people make it work.

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  2. I am always struck by how many lonely men exist in the world. This is reinforced on a regular basis through all my social networking. Some of them are wackadoo and immediately blocked. But some of them seem like genuinely nice guys. Which is my way of saying that when you're ready, there are plenty of interesting guys out there and I'm sure you'll eventually connect with one of them.

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    1. Hi Johanna,
      There are a lot of lonely men; I've noticed that in their profiles because some of them actually write complaints about how "superficial" women are and how they don't get enough (or any) responses. Those kinds of profiles bother me, because they put all the blame on women for the fact that they're single, rather than taking responsibility for themselves. But there are also guys who are lonely but are also sweet, kind, and thoughtful; I hope that I will find one of them.

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  3. I have no idea, is my short answer. I make lots of lists :-) And feel badly that I sometimes give up my free-reading time...
    Hey that Honest Scrap award you've got on the right is very cute!

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    1. Hi Deniz,
      I like that award too; it was the first one I ever got for blogging. I haven't been able to do much reading either, unfortunately. In fact, I haven't done much fiction writing in the past couple weeks, because I'm so focused on my dissertation. I miss both reading and fiction writing, because they make me feel better.

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  4. Ha! Good question - I'm not doing a great job of balancing things lately. So, I'm afraid the solution is what you've already figured out - something's got to go.

    I think your online dating experiences will make an excellent basis for your first book, so I hope you keep your memories & take good notes when you get back to it. You've got a great sense of humor and a wonderful way of expressing yourself.

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    1. Hi Nicki,
      Thank you! I have written many pages about my online dating experiences; I've learned a lot from online dating, even though I haven't fallen in love yet. I'm still not sure if I'll find that special someone online, but I'm willing to try.
      But like you said, something's got to go, and for now, it's online dating. I can't take any chances that anything will get in the way of my dissertation. But hopefully I'll have more free time this summer, so that I can start dating again.

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  5. Priorities are hard. I'm going to give you cliche advice, but it works: follow your heart. Do what you can right now, and don't sweat the rest. You'll figure it out!

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    1. Hi Emily,
      Thanks for the advice! I think that online dating would be more than I can handle right now. I really was planning to join a site this month, but it's just going to have to wait. My heart still belongs to my work; I just hope that things will get better soon.

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  6. It's a struggle, for sure, when juggling so many things at once. I think you're making the right decision to focus on other stuff for now... who knows, maybe the right guy will pop up and ask to borrow a pen when you're studying one day in the library ;)

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    1. Hi Julie,
      Most of the guys at the library are too young for me, unfortunately, because they're undergrads. Meeting potential dates seems to be so much easier for single people on TV; I wish it could be like that for me, even just once.

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  7. Online dating can be tricky, but its definitely a possibility. I know of several people who have found the love of their lives online, so there's definitely a chance.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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    1. Hi Gina,
      I've heard of several online dating success stories too, so it's given me hope that it could work for me. The good thing about online dating is that it helps you meet nice people you might not have met otherwise.

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  8. I'm currently a grad student getting my MSW and also work full-time after a shelter so not only am I physically exhausted but emotionally wiped most weeks too. Trying to find- and maintain- balance I believe is a life-long struggle. I have a precarious balance now where my main goal is trying to make sure I get sleep every night which sounds like such a small goal but is really a struggle sometimes... I can't even imagine trying to add dating into the mix. As it is, I just have given up on a social life. I live with my boyfriend and have a puppy and they literally are my social life. i haven't been to a bar or out to eat or anything with a friend for probably around 8 months. And while I sometimes do feel lonely, it's very temporary because I have something else to worry about or to do.. I figure the next time I'll have any semblance of a social life is when i join some kind of 'mommy and me' group when I get knocked up 5 or 10 years from now..

    so yeah, long story short... i'm also a busy, working grad student and have no life so don't feel badly!!

    and i'm also a new blogger/follower :)
    -jessica

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    1. Hi Jessica,
      Welcome to my blog! I try to get enough sleep every night too, but it's difficult because sometimes I'm too tense to relax. I think that one reason I'm too tense (other than my graduate work) is that my neighbors are very loud and apparently never sleep. I wish I could have a puppy, because dogs can be therapeutic; they're always happy to see you and hugging them is comforting. But unfortunately my building only allows cats, which I'm allergic to. You should let yourself go out to eat at least once in a while, though; you've definitely earned it.

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  9. Stick figure sex? Oh, man...

    I hope someone falls in your lap while you're working on this dissertation. You deserve it.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      I wish the right guy would just show up, preferably while I was at a cafe. There are a lot of very cute male baristas at the cafes that I go to. :) I just wish I had the courage to say something more to one of them (other than my drink order).

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  10. I think you just have to do the best you can do, knowing your limits. It sounds like you're doing that!

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    1. Hi Talli,
      Thanks! I think that joining an online dating site right now would be more than I can handle, even though I really want to start dating again. But it's just going to have to wait until I get my dissertation under control, which hopefully won't take that much longer.

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