The Calm before the Chaos

I hate shopping. Maybe it's because I spent several years working in retail. Now I find myself automatically picking up clothes and folding them or greeting customers whenever I go into stores. Maybe it's because all those years in retail has made me loathe cash registers so much that whenever I see one I want to attack it with a clothes hanger.

Or maybe it's because I'm kind of intimidated by sales people. It's weird because I used to be one, and so I know it's their job to tell customers about new sales and encourage them to buy stuff they don't really need. But it makes me nervous if the salesperson follows me around the store, stands outside the dressing room to chat with me about accessories, and gives me coupons for sales where I can get 3% off on a particular item as long as I buy it within the next five minutes. (I also feel guilty because I used to do the exact same things when I worked in retail.)

I'm also incredibly indecisive, and I'm afraid that if I linger too long in the store the employees will think I'm shoplifting. And then I'll get arrested; the TV stations will do a news story that says something like "Ph.D. candidate turned THIEF"; my students will say, "Why should we do the homework when YOU didn't even pay for that Hello Kitty purse?"; then I'll never be crowned Miss America because of my record and I won't get to cry and throw roses at people when I win.

Usually I just want to get out of there as soon as possible, so I usually just buy the first thing that the salesperson shows me. That's why I have incredibly uncomfortable shoes that make me weep a little when I put them on (though of course they feel okay when I try them on in the store; it's when I go out into the street that the shoes magically become painful and unreturnable), outfits that would probably land me on an episode of What Not to Wear, and an assortment of beauty products, half of which I don't know how to use and am afraid that if I put them on wrong my face will break out and then I'll never be crowned Miss America.

The only stores I'm comfortable going into are bookstores. The sellers leave me alone and I can be around books, which make me happy. But other than that I don't go shopping very often, which is just as well seeing as how I currently have about enough money to do my Christmas shopping at a vending machine. (I hope my parents will like the Cheetos I'm giving them. What? Technically it could be a stocking stuffer.)

That's why I don't understand why anyone would want to go shopping on Black Friday, let alone at 4 A.M. when a lot of the stores open. (I feel sorry for the people who have to work that day.) But no offense if you are going shopping that day; I just don't think I could do it. (It was bad enough having to WORK in a store on Black Friday.) I know that there are a lot of good sales on that day, though I imagine some of the customers' conversations going something like this:

Customer #1: Do we really need a life-size statue of Oprah that glows in the dark? I'm not sure our kids will want that for Christmas. It - I mean she - might scare them.
Customer #2: That's not the point! It's 50% off! Get it before someone else does!

Customer #3: Oh my gosh! I didn't even REALIZE they sold giant whoopee cushions here! What a GREAT idea!
Customer #4: And check it out! If we buy six whoopee cushions today, we can get a free roll of singing toilet paper! (The toilet paper is an actual product; I saw it on a website. I wonder what it sings?)

Customer #5: Look! If we get five of the same sweaters in different colors, we'll save three dollars!
Customer #6: I knew it was a good idea to camp outside the mall all night! And people said it wouldn't be worth it.

I've also learned that it's never a good idea to go shopping downtown on the weekends, especially not during the holiday season, because that's when the tourists come out. They walk incredibly slowly, because they're so busy tilting their heads back and remarking on how tall the buildings are or pointing at the cars and remarking on how everyone is so FAST and beeps their horns real LOUD and gosh they sure aren't like that in our hometown! And I'm just trying to get into the holiday spirit and NOT knock any tourists over, but it's just so DIFFICULT sometimes.

One year I tried going to Michigan Avenue on a Saturday in December, and I found myself identifying with Ebenezer Scrooge before the ghosts visited him. Bah, humbug! Let's see those Christmas ghosts try to navigate the crowds at Water Tower Place for three hours (two of which will be spent just on the escalators) during the holiday season and then see what kind of advice they give Scrooge.

So on Black Friday I'm staying home. Instead of shopping, I'm going to work on my dissertation. What? You didn't think I was going to take the weekend OFF, did you?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!