Stop and Sniff the Fire Hydrant

For a few weeks this summer I was dog-sitting for my parents. They own two dogs, a Bolognese that I refer to in this blog as Neurotic Jr. and a Shetland Sheepdog (a sheltie) that I refer to as Jane Dog. My parents live in a different state, but they let me keep the dogs for a while and I managed to work out a deal with the landlord so that the dogs could stay with me. A close relative kept the dogs company when I had to work.

I thought that taking care of the dogs might give me some new writing material, like those inspirational dog vs. owner stories, where the dog is difficult to live with at first but ends up inspiring the owner to write inspirational stories about dogs. I thought that it might give me a new perspective on writing, because dogs like to stop, sniff, and examine everything; I thought that maybe people should try doing that too (except for the sniffing other dogs' butts part). But it didn't quite work out that way.

I took them to a small dog park on a regular basis. Even though several dog owners in Chicago live in apartment buildings, the people who own/manage those buildings freak out if the dogs venture near the small patches of grass in front of the buildings. The people will put up small fences around the grass. Or they'll put up signs that say stuff like "Keep dogs off grass" or "No Dogs allowed" (along with a picture of a dog with a big X over it) or "Please curb your dog" or "Don't even THINK about letting your dog defile the grass because otherwise I WILL come after you...and your little dog too!"

Neurotic Jr. is incredibly spoiled, because my parents treat her like a small child and refuse to discipline her. That may be why she insisted on being carried for most of the time during our "walks."

Me: Come on, Neurotic Jr.! Carrying you would defeat the purpose of the walk!
Neurotic Jr: (blinks at me and refuses to move)
Me: Oh, for Pete's sake!  Fine, I'll carry you!
Woman passing by: Oh, she's so cute! But why are you carrying her?
Me: I think she likes the view from up here. Or maybe I'm just a chump.

Jane Dog loves to bark at everything, which is the nature of shelties. Whenever a garbage truck, motorcycle, or bird passed by, her reaction was: "ArfarfarfarfarfARF!"

She also had this embarrassing habit of sniffing other people who passed by, so that sometimes a person would say, "Hey!" And I'd laugh sheepishly and say, "Oh, sorry! My dog didn't mean to stick her nose up your skirt (or shorts if it was a guy, because Jane Dog likes to sniff everyone). I guess she just likes you."

Of course, Neurotic Jr. would always throw one of her tantrums and Jane Dog would always go off into a barking fit in front of a person with the Perfect Dog, as in the kind of canine that is so well-behaved that it views barking as something that only "common" dogs do. The owner would wow the other owners with all sorts of tricks that Perfect Dog could do, like fetching a ball, rolling over and playing dead, and other things to show off its intelligence, like break dancing.

If you think I'm exaggerating about the break dancing, here's a video of a dog doing the merengue. Neurotic Jr. and Jane Dog would never consent to letting me put either of them in a skirt. Jane Dog would find some way to pull it off and then bark at it to make it go away. Neurotic Jr. would become hysterical and run all over the place, being sure to leave paw prints everywhere, if I came near her with one of those little doggie outfits.



When Neurotic Jr. refused to move and looked up at me as if to say, "You didn't really think I'd walk this time, did you? Have I taught you nothing?" and Jane Dog nearly broke free from her leash because she was barking her head off at a bench, Perfect Dog's owner would look at me and say, "That's quite the pair you have there!"

"Um, yeah," I'd say.

Perfect Dog would come running up at that moment and drop the ball in front of his owner's feet, panting, and he always looked like he was laughing at my dogs, as if to say, "Hahahahaha, you WISH you were as obedient as me, LOSERS!"

Neurotic Jr. would growl at him as if to say, "You want a piece of me? Why don't you come over here and I'll play fetch with your tail."

"I trained mine when he was still a puppy," Perfect Dog's owner would say. "Maybe you should look into obedience school."

"Uh-huh," I'd respond, even though what I was really thinking was, "WhatEVER, dude. Maybe you should look into getting a new personality. And get one for your dog, too."

But even though Neurotic Jr. and Jane Dog have their quirks, I love them anyway because really, who can resist adorable, huggable dogs who are always happy to see you? I wish I could keep them all the time, but my apartment is too small for two dogs. Plus my arms would get really tired from carrying Neurotic Jr. all the time.

What about you? Do you have pets? If you are a pet owner, do you ever find yourself incorporating animals into your stories? What do you think of those inspirational pet memoirs?

Side note: I would have included pictures of Neurotic Jr. and Jane Dog on the blog, but like me, they prefer to remain anonymous. But I think they'd be more willing to sit still for pictures and let me post the photos on my blog if they got more doggie treats and tummy rubs.

It's Not Me, It's You

I finally gave notice at my retail job, and I no longer have to work there anymore.

When I gave my two weeks' notice, I simply wrote a note indicating that I was leaving and when my last day would be. There was so much more that I could have said about why I was quitting sooner rather than later, but I didn't because I might need my retail employers for a job reference later on. And it's not like I could have said, "This job SUCKED and sometimes I hated it so much that I thought you SUCKED, but can I still list you as a reference?"

Giving notice to your employer is a little like breaking up with a significant other. You can't be brutally honest about why you're leaving, because you don't want to come off sounding like a jerk. (Side note: But there has been more than one occasion where I've wanted to say to a guy, "I never want to see you again because you're always bragging about the fancy electronic gadgets that you buy, but you expect me to pay for dinner or drinks every time we go out," or "I don't want to go out with you because your hair kind of makes me think of Dennis the Menace.")

But if I could have been honest about why I was leaving that job, here's what I would have said:

1. You make me sick. My retail job this summer stressed me out so much that I kept scratching at my arms because it felt like bugs were crawling up and down my skin. I ended up with small scabs all over my arms, which still haven't completely healed. Because it's T-shirt weather, I feel self-conscious exposing my arms in public, because I feel like people are going to take one look at my skin and gasp, "What happened to YOU?"

2. My life doesn't revolve around you. Even though this was supposedly a part-time job, it took up a lot more time than I thought it would. At my other retail jobs, I usually only worked three or four days a week. At this one, I worked five days a week, sometimes more.

It took almost an hour to commute to the Tourist Trap and an hour to get home, not to mention taking public transportation every day with a bunch of sweaty people who apparently don't believe that deodorant is necessary didn't do anything to help my nerves. Even though we were scheduled to leave at a certain time, if we were working the closing shift we were made to stay until the store looked perfect. That meant that I had to work late, anywhere from a half hour to more than an hour past my shift every time. The managers would keep coming up with more stuff for us to do, and even after we completed our tasks, they'd walk around the store and point out places that we missed.

      I'd get home from work too tired to do anything but fall asleep watching TV. I hardly got any work done on my dissertation, and I missed more than one deadline on my website job. I didn't get to blog as much, and I was only able to write fiction sporadically. I didn't get to spend much time with my friends, because what I was earning was barely enough to pay for groceries, let alone a night out. I always promised myself that I would never become one of those girlfriends whose entire life revolves around her boyfriend, but it had gotten to the point where it felt like my whole summer revolved around this job.

3. Being with you makes me miserable. As I've mentioned before, I've spent years working in retail, first as a bookseller, then as a clothing store employee. I never really liked it very much, because the work is boring and repetitive; it's tiring to stand for several hours a day, and the pay is extremely low. But I didn't hate working at the bookstore or the clothing store nearly as much as I hated working at the Tourist Trap.

     The tourists weren't really the problem. I mean, it wasn't fun navigating crowds of tourists every day, but for the most part they were actually nicer than a lot of the customers I'd encountered at the bookstore and Expensive Clothing Store. Even though the high Chicago sales tax (9.75%) often shocked them, they were a lot less likely to throw tantrums over the prices of the products we sold. When I worked at Expensive Clothing Store, customers would often blame me for the high prices of the clothes, and I'd be all, "Don't blame me! I just work here." (I didn't actually say that, though.) They'd get back at me by making me run all over the store to find clothes in different sizes or colors; then they'd try all of them on, leave the fitting rooms in a mess for me to clean up, and they wouldn't buy anything.

When I worked at the bookstore, one customer literally started stamping his feet like a caveman and bellowing insults at all the sellers because we wouldn't give him cash for his gift card. Other customers would get mad at me because I wasn't ringing up their orders fast enough; they'd say, "I have really important things to do today. Can you speed this up? Or do I need to talk to a manager?" I always felt tempted to say, Exactly what important things are you planning to do? Are you talking about all the money you're going to burn through, which you think makes you entitled to treat underpaid cashiers and salespeople like crap? That sounds REALLY important.

But at the Tourist Trap, the customers were usually just happy to be in Chicago and would chat about all the places they'd been to or the interesting things that they'd seen. So it wasn't them that bothered me.

What bothered me was having to work late every night. It was one manager telling me to do one thing, and then another manager telling me to do something else at the same time; then both managers would get mad at me because I didn't get all the work done fast enough. It was certain (though not all) coworkers who would stand around and do nothing, leaving other coworkers like me to pick up the slack. It was knowing that with all the money the store raked in every day, my employers could more than afford to pay us even just a little bit more (which would have made a big difference), but they chose not to while pressuring us to sell as many "add-ons" and make as much money for the store as possible. It was the fact that even though I was working two jobs (plus a couple hours a week tutoring the daughter of one of my parents' friends), I still couldn't afford to pay for all of my expenses without the help of a credit card.

Being at that job made me extremely unhappy, more unhappy than I've ever been at any other job. I've decided that I never want to be that miserable at a job again, because it can (and did) have negative effects on other parts of my life. All that misery just wasn't worth the paycheck, even though I did need that paycheck. Next summer, I hope to find something better, though preferably not in retail. I usually take a break from teaching during the summer, but I'm more than willing to teach next year. And hopefully, once I complete my degree and find a full-time teaching job, I'll never have to work part-time jobs that make me think, So this is what hell must be like, ever again.

But it wasn't necessary for me to tell my employers at the Tourist Trap why I was really leaving. Tourist season in Chicago is mainly during the summer, because it gets so cold in the winter that even locals will usually break down at one point and cry, "I've become a human popsicle! AAAHHHHH!!!!"

So the Tourist Trap doesn't need as many workers once summer ends, and I probably would have gotten laid off anyway. School will be starting soon, so I am going to take the time that I have left to enjoy a well-deserved and much-needed vacation. Although by "vacation" I mean clean out my apartment, work on my dissertation, revise my syllabi for the classes that I'll be teaching, pick up extra hours at my website job, exercise at the gym, find an apartment with cheaper rent, etc., etc. If I were to take the kind of vacation where I just laid around all day, I'd probably start imagining bugs on my skin and start scratching at my arms again. I am a workaholic, after all.

What about you? Have you ever quit a job that you didn't like? If you could say something to an employer or a significant other that you left behind, what would it be?

Tag! I'm It

Fellow blogger Anna Saikin is playing blog tag with some other bloggers, and she tagged me. Apparently I have to answer six questions about myself and then tag other bloggers. So here goes:

1. Are you hot?
YES! It is WAY TOO HOT in the Tourist Trap, and the A/C still hasn't been fixed (though it seems to be working fine in the managers' office). It doesn't help that the temperature has been in the nineties lately. I feel like wrestling the water bottles away from the tourists just so I can splash some water on my face. But I suppose that would be bad customer service.

2. Upload a picture or wallpaper you are using at the moment.
I haven't uploaded any pictures of myself that show my face on this blog because I am not photogenic at all (and also because I'm more or less anonymous on this blog). In most of the pictures that have been taken of me, I think I look like Medusa, the woman whose hair was made of snakes. Or maybe that's just because I don't brush my hair every day.

3. When was the last time you ate chicken?
I ate Chicken McNuggets at McDonald's a few days ago, even though I don't like McDonald's. I have this slightly irrational fear that if I eat too much chicken I'll turn into one.

4. The song you listened to recently:
Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night". When I was a kid, I looked a little like "Kathy Beth Terry" (pre-makeover) in the video. Except I was more nerdy.



5. What were you thinking while doing this?
I was thinking that the fourth season of Jersey Shore is starting soon. If I was trapped in an elevator with Snooki and The Situation, I would literally pry open the doors with my hands (I think that the sheer terror would give me the adrenaline I need) and climb out of the elevator, leaving them to fend for themselves. And yet when the first episode airs, I'm going to watch it. Somehow watching the stupid things that they do (and say) makes me feel smarter, even though I accidentally put my pants on backwards the other day.

6. Do you have nicknames? What are they?
None that I know of. But I suppose that if I did tell people in my "real life" about my blog, they'd agree that "Neurotic Workaholic" is an appropriate nickname.

7. Tag eight blogger friends, even though I only tagged six, because I'm a rule-breaker like that. And to the people I've tagged, feel free to answer the questions and tag others. Or not. (It's not like I'll OBSESS about it if you don't.)

Cantaloupe
E.R. King at Get Busy Writing!
Geophrie at The Far Too Important Blog
Teddi at She Was Write
Lalalalauren at lauren vs. reality
Shannon at Shannon McMahon

Now I'm off to do some homework. And by "homework," I mean watch Jersey Shore reruns.

The Pros and Cons of Online Dating

I've been taking a break from online dating for the past couple of months, but I've been thinking of trying again. I'd like to try zoosk.com, since I haven't been on the site before. But it costs money to join and I can't even afford to buy coffee (oh, caffeine, how I've MISSED you) because of my low-paying retail job.

So I've been thinking about rejoining okcupid. It probably won't be for another month at least, because online dating (and just dating in general) takes up a lot of time that I don't have right now. I also can't help thinking of all the pros and cons of online dating.

PRO: If I meet someone I like, then being with him will give me something to look forward to.

CON: Thinking of all the guys I met and didn't like makes me dread the thought of another bad first date.

PRO: Since it's summer, there are more date options, like watching movies in Grant Park or going to a neighborhood festival.

CON: Since it's summer, that means I'll wear a short-sleeved/sleeveless top on the date. That also means that it'll look a lot more conspicuous when I keep checking my watch if my date's favorite topic turns out to be himself.

PRO: If I rejoin okcupid, it won't cost me anything since this dating site is free.

CON: Going on dates can be expensive. Two of the guys I had coffee dates with waited until after I'd paid for my coffee before they came up to meet me for our dates.

PRO: It's fun to get interesting e-mails from nice guys who want to date me.

CON: It is not fun to get e-mails that say stuff like, "Your profile says that you're Catholic. Exactly how Catholic are you?" and "My ex-girlfriend was a total drama queen, so hopefully you're not like her," and "Is there any part of your body that's not real? Just checking, haha! But seriously?"

PRO: Even if online dating doesn't work out, at least it gives me material that I can use in my writing, as several people who have read my blog have pointed out to me.

CON: Speaking of material, I should probably come up with new excuses if I end up on dates with guys I don't like. Excuses like "I think I'm going to be leaving the country and I have no idea when or if I'll be back," and "I want to have kids and I'm thirty years old, so I need to get pregnant really soon," and "I don't really feel like going out for drinks. Want to go shoe shopping with me instead?" might not always work. So I need to come up with new excuses to end the date early, just in case.

To be honest, I kind of like being single right now. I like not cringing when I read my e-mail; I like not spending too much time reading profiles. I like being able to do what I want on my time off, instead of setting aside time for dates that go nowhere.

But on the other hand, I do want to fall in love, get married, and have a family someday. I don't know if any of that will ever happen for me, but I haven't given up hope yet.

What do you think? In your opinion, what are the pros/cons of dating and/or being single?

Why I'm Not Writing

1. At the store where I work, a customer sneezed all over my hands as I was giving her the change from her purchase. Now I can't stop sneezing.

2. Since I can't afford to take a sick day, I've been going to work and trying not to sneeze or cough on the other customers. I feel tempted to sneeze on a couple of the supervisors though, because they claim that the A/C in the store can't be fixed. It is extremely warm in the store and several customers have asked me if I'm going to pass out.

3. I think I might have accidentally mixed up my nighttime cold medicine with the daytime medicine, which might explain why I keep falling asleep on my laptop.

4. I thought about giving up TV for a week so that I'd have more time to write. I figured if I could survive a TV-free week, maybe I could cancel my cable and save money, even though I don't subscribe to extra cable channels or Netflix. But then when I went to sleep I kept dreaming of all the shows I was missing. (Side note: Jerry Seinfeld is kind of scary when you dream about him. Or at least he is when I dream about him.)

5. I considered rejoining okcupid, but I couldn't stop wondering if there's a way to loser-proof my profile.

6. I have to complete a draft of my dissertation, and I'm supposed to do a lot more research. But the only thing I feel like reading is People, which may be one of the reasons that my brain is not fully functioning right now.

7. I keep muttering "Murf" to myself when I'm at work, because one particularly stressful day I thought, I could kick a Smurf right now. (Side note: No Smurfs were hurt before, during, or after the writing of this post.)

8. I've been combing through the job ads to see if I can find something better than my current retail job. It turns out that there are a lot of (ahem) interesting characters on Craigslist, including one guy who wants to hire someone to spy on his wife because he thinks she's cheating on him, someone who wants a personal assistant who is "easy on the eyes", and a business owner who described himself as rich and good-looking and was looking for an "open-minded" receptionist.

9. I thought about starting my own Twitter page, but then I figured that most people aren't going to be interested in Tweets like "I managed not to yell at any drivers who were talking on their cell phones today" or "Would it be wrong to jump into tourists' pictures to make them stop blocking my way on the sidewalk?"

10. I keep wondering why two of my favorite shows, Law and Order and Law and Order: Criminal Intent, got cancelled but shows like Storage Wars were renewed and the Kardashians keep getting spinoffs.

But then I think about what my life would be like if I stopped writing altogether and how much I'd miss writing. I think about how I'd continue to feel the urge to grab my journal and a pen every time I saw/thought/heard/felt something weird, funny, or interesting. I think about all the characters I created who have become real to me and how I have to keep writing their stories so that I can find out what happens to them.

What about you? When you have writer's block, what are the reasons why?

(I Wish I Could) Just Say No

There are some situations in life where it's easy to say no. For example, "No, I do not want to get into your car, because I don't know you or your friends. Even though you may look like a bunch of guys who are just out cruising and think it's acceptable to yell out invitations to girls like me on the sidewalk who are not hookers but are just trying to go to the drugstore to buy candy (er, vitamins), I have seen enough Lifetime movies and episodes of E! Investigates not to get into the cars of people that I don't know."

Or "No, I do not want to invest in your company, because when I Googled the name on your business card to see what kind of business you were in, I found a bunch of online reviews from people with the word "SCAM" in almost every review. Also, I don't even have any money to invest, since I am a broke grad student who isn't even entirely sure what a "portfolio" is. If I asked my fellow grad students about it, they'd probably get into an extensive discussion about the literary significance of the word "portfolio" and then write scholarly papers about it."

But on the other hand, it can be hard to say no in other instances, because I often feel guilty about refusing other people's requests/offers. And in some cases, I have no choice but to say yes.

It's not like I am too chicken to say no, because I have learned to be more assertive and to put my foot down in plenty of situations. I just have to be careful about how I say no, however, because it's not like I can just say whatever I want without having to deal with the consequences. Here are two examples of situations where I wish I could say no and say exactly why :

To my students when they ask multiple times to be excused from class/completing their homework on time because of some kind of "emergency", which in some cases really is an emergency, but more often than not translates into "I didn't get my homework done last night. I don't want you to know that instead of finishing my paper, I was finishing a Real World marathon." Or "I don't feel like coming to class because I've only missed class, like, five times already, which is nothing compared to how many times other people in the class have been absent, so I should be excused." Or "I can't think of any reason why I should be excused from class so I'm just going to tell you it's an emergency. That way, you won't try to invade my privacy by asking me any questions".

When they ask to be excused, I remind them about how attendance is part of their grade; I also tell them that it's their responsibility to get their work done on time even if they don't come to class. I do enforce my attendance policy, but there are a few situations where I have no choice but to make exceptions. For example, some students have family responsibilities. A few have health issues that keep them out of school for several days (or weeks) at a time.

But on the other hand, multiple absences (and excuses) can be problematic because the students will miss out on a lot if they don't come to class. It's also problematic for me because then I'm stuck with a lot of late work to grade. If they have legitimate excuses for being absent, then I will try to work with them, as long as they put in the effort to make up for what they missed.

But once a student told me that he couldn't come to class because of a family emergency; I saw him hanging out in the quad an hour later with his friends. Another student e-mailed me about how her grandmother died; I checked all of the e-mails this student had sent and realized that that same grandmother had died at least three times. Not all students are like this, of course, but I've learned to be wary when I keep hearing the same excuses over and over again and multiple requests for time off from class.

So here's what I wish I could say: NO, you can't miss class AGAIN. Even though I love teaching, there are some days where I wish I could blow off work and just take a nap/watch TV/accidentally on purpose trip people who blow their cigarette smoke in my face when they walk in front of me. But part of being a grownup is accepting your responsibilities and doing what you have to do, even if you don't always want to do it. So if I have to be here, then so do you, kid.

To retail employers who expect employees like me to have flexible schedules. One of the things that you're going to see most often in ads for retail jobs are the words "flexible schedules". A lot of people who work in retail also have day jobs; they work at night and on the weekends. However, when you work in retail, your schedule is likely to change every week; you're much more likely to get hired and get more hours if you are available to work any time, any day.

This does make sense; retail employers can't always guarantee regular hours because it often depends on how much (or little) money the store is making and whether or not the employees meet their sales goals.

Also, stores aren't typically open from just 9-5, because that's when everyone's at work. So you have to be willing to work until the wee hours in the evenings and weekends, or get up in the wee hours in order to go to work (side note: why do they call it the "wee hours"? It's not like when I wake up at six A.M. to go to work or get ready to work until late at night I automatically think, "Yay! I get to go stand for eight hours and pressure people to buy stuff that they could get at half-price at one of the discount stores, but I can't tell them that because it's bad for business. I also think I may or may not have sold my soul to the god of retail for an employee discount. WEEEEEE!!!!").

I tell my employers what my availability is, and I try to keep my schedule open so that I can get more shifts. I try not to request time off unless I have a legitimate and unavoidable reason for missing work, and even if I do request a day off I'll do it several days in advance.

But here's what I wish I could say: No, I don't want a schedule that changes every week, because that makes it very hard for me to schedule anything else (including other paying jobs that would help me support myself, because I sure as hell ain't earning enough at this job to pay all my bills) into my life. Did you ever stop to think that maybe the other employees who don't show up to work/show up late/call in "sick"/switch shifts wouldn't do that so often if they had a reliable schedule?

FYI: I almost never show up late, because I always leave early to go to work. And I never call in sick unless I literally can't get out of bed. I developed this work ethic for all my jobs largely because of teaching. Most college teachers I know don't really get sick days. If we don't go to class, then there is no class. Even if I have a cold I'll go to class and just bring Kleenex, cough drops, and hand sanitizer with me; I don't worry about the students catching it from me because more often than not they're the ones who infected me in the first place. They're always coughing and sneezing in class, to the point that I want to wear a Hazmat suit when I teach.

What about you? What are examples of situations where you wish you could say no but you feel pressured to/have no choice but to say yes?